Sorry everyone.
I have just had no words.
I have been busying myself with the bus and am happy to say the work seems to be paying off. Not money wise but it is a good project.
I have just had nothing to say. My life is just so.... in pieces right now and I am trying to figure out how to put them all together again. I feel like my life is a mirror that someone dropped. I am pretty sure all the pieces are here but I cannot seem to figure out how to properly fit them back together again.
I am torn between What I think is best, what my husband wants, what everyone else wants and what needs to be done and What I want seems to have gotten pushed aside though I know if I just do what I want, I will have less stress and most of my family will be better off for it. So how come I cannot just bring myself to do it?
I guess cause I feel guilty.
Why I am not sure. It was not my problem to begin with I just had to take it on and now it has become MY problem. It is a daily struggle and I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy if I don't want to deal with it.
Why do I hold onto things? I mean useless crap, previous problem aside, I have too much shit!
Why can I not seem to let things, Material things, go. I feel the need to simplify my life, I am tired of the constant mess, the constant state of Chaos, the constant fretting over stupid things.
Kids are happy so I guess not all is bad. But Tom and I have not really talked in weeks, we get mad easily, he never seems happy.
He is different.
I really think Iraq changed him and not for the better, but no one cares. So we deal. We deal with the constant yelling and the constant "bad mood" and I deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough.
At anything.
I cannot keep the kids and the house alone yet that is what I do and here is the only place to let it out. I so often wish to seek the answers from God but damn it I am too busy to have the time. And honestly I am not sure I want to ask. I have such a hard time trusting in him and I question constantly why my life is the way it is. Did I not go to church often enough as a kid? I don't particularly care to go even now as an adult. I want to be closer to God but cannot bring myself to do it. Lack of time? Energy? Afraid of what I will discover? All of the above and more?
I know he has seen me though some hard times and I know it is because of his love and grace that Soli is here with us. And I do thank him for that but that is about where it stops. Well maybe not stops but is on pause. I long to be happy, feel important, useful, adequate even. I want to enjoy my kids because they will not be kids forever and I do not want them hating me when they are older because I did not do something or for them to feel inadequate in any way.
Ok I am going to bed, Tom should be asleep by now and someone has a Dr appt in the morning. School starts in 7 days. I am glad the kids (most of them) like school and Kassi is starting Kindergarten. She is turning 5 on Thursday. They are all getting so big. I am almost afraid to blink cause they might be gone. Goes so fast.
