Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quiet? Is that what it is?

Yep Quiet. I am not sure how to adapt to this new "Quiet" house. The 5 older kids started school on Monday. Kassi started full day Kindergarten. And even Caden has Preschool from 11:45 to 3pm. So after he leaves the 2 babies go down for naps and I am almost at a loss as to what to do with myself (besides the obvious cleaning). It is amazing how much you can get done with no kids underfoot or messing things up as quickly as they are cleaned.

It is a very welcome (yet lonely) break. I cannot wait for mom's group to start back up so I have someplace to "hang".

As we settle into this new schedule I find myself much less stressed (at least till 3 pm when everyone is home again.) As soon as my iphone decides it's done syncing with my computer I will upload some pics of the kids from the first day of school. For now I am going to go put Caden on the bus and clean the bathroom while the babies sleep.

In the mean time will you please pray for Baby Ryan. He was born with his heart beating OUTSIDE his body. He is 6 months old and had surgery to put his heart back into his chest today.

Also I just found out today that my friend Kathi's Husband was in a motorcycle accident last week. His is out of ICU but in a wheelchair and pretty broken. Kathi and her husband has a lot of kids like us and they can use your prayers for a quick recovery.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Sorry everyone.
I have just had no words.
I have been busying myself with the bus and am happy to say the work seems to be paying off. Not money wise but it is a good project.
I have just had nothing to say. My life is just so.... in pieces right now and I am trying to figure out how to put them all together again. I feel like my life is a mirror that someone dropped. I am pretty sure all the pieces are here but I cannot seem to figure out how to properly fit them back together again.
I am torn between What I think is best, what my husband wants, what everyone else wants and what needs to be done and What I want seems to have gotten pushed aside though I know if I just do what I want, I will have less stress and most of my family will be better off for it. So how come I cannot just bring myself to do it?
I guess cause I feel guilty.
Why I am not sure. It was not my problem to begin with I just had to take it on and now it has become MY problem. It is a daily struggle and I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy if I don't want to deal with it.

Why do I hold onto things? I mean useless crap, previous problem aside, I have too much shit!
Why can I not seem to let things, Material things, go. I feel the need to simplify my life, I am tired of the constant mess, the constant state of Chaos, the constant fretting over stupid things.
Kids are happy so I guess not all is bad. But Tom and I have not really talked in weeks, we get mad easily, he never seems happy.
He is different.
I really think Iraq changed him and not for the better, but no one cares. So we deal. We deal with the constant yelling and the constant "bad mood" and I deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough.
At anything.
I cannot keep the kids and the house alone yet that is what I do and here is the only place to let it out. I so often wish to seek the answers from God but damn it I am too busy to have the time. And honestly I am not sure I want to ask. I have such a hard time trusting in him and I question constantly why my life is the way it is. Did I not go to church often enough as a kid? I don't particularly care to go even now as an adult. I want to be closer to God but cannot bring myself to do it. Lack of time? Energy? Afraid of what I will discover? All of the above and more?
I know he has seen me though some hard times and I know it is because of his love and grace that Soli is here with us. And I do thank him for that but that is about where it stops. Well maybe not stops but is on pause. I long to be happy, feel important, useful, adequate even. I want to enjoy my kids because they will not be kids forever and I do not want them hating me when they are older because I did not do something or for them to feel inadequate in any way.
Ok I am going to bed, Tom should be asleep by now and someone has a Dr appt in the morning. School starts in 7 days. I am glad the kids (most of them) like school and Kassi is starting Kindergarten. She is turning 5 on Thursday. They are all getting so big. I am almost afraid to blink cause they might be gone. Goes so fast.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Everything has it's time...

There comes a time when you need to stop thinking about other people and start thinking about yourself. For me I think that time is now. I have always put others before myself and you would think I would be a happier person for it. But that is not so. I think I have done for others to the detriment of myself. So I am going to try another route. I am going to do for me and if it works in MY plan, schedule then I will see if I can fit them in. Perhaps doing for myself more will make me a happier person.

Friday, July 24, 2009

It's been...

One of those days, no one of those weeks....

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Big news on the twilight bus blog. Go see....
My heart is still racing!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 and Party Favors!

The title says it all. I got Drugs today! Woo hoo. I have a full arsenal on hand for the killer headaches and also some "happy drugs" Well I guess we will see how "happy" they are in a few weeks.
Cleaning... a never ending job. But I downloaded the Twilight series so I can listen to my books while I clean. Tomorrow morning is cleaning the boys room. I have sooooo many clothes to put away! Oh yea and about 10 more loads of laundry!
Party Favors. Well water bottles.
Yep been working on making the water bottle labels for my cousin's baby shower. I cannot wait for everyone to see them! I was up until 2 am the other night creating them then had to go to kinkos to print and laminate then. Now I have to cut them all and put them all on the water bottles.
All 60 of them!
I really hope she likes them! I also worked on her diaper cake and 2 other presents for baby girl that I cannot show yet but I am sooo proud of them! OK well CJ and M are home and I am gonna go to bed. Soli gets a new Mic-key tomorrow so it may be a LONG day...

Monday, July 13, 2009

Moving rooms and Making room...

Yep you read that right. I have been moving rooms around and making room. For Lily and Meghan. As of the end of next week Meg and Lily will be living with us. I am kinda excited. One to have Lily here (yes I already shopped for many matching outfits for her and Soli!) but to also have Meghan here. Another person to talk to and have around.

Tom is leaving on the 18th for AT and will be gone till Aug 2. I am going to be calling my Dr tomorrow. I think I want to get back on the Wellbutrin, I am just not myself. I know the migraine I have had since last night does not help (I just cannot get rid of it!) I nearly lost it today and I just feel sad all the time. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will help. I hate the person I have become.

I am still waiting for help with Respite for Brianna and the nurse to help with Soli though I am nervous about the nurse for Soli. I guess I just feel that I should do everything for her. She is doing great with Physical therapy and her therapist is the best! I think she will be rolling from her back to her tummy soon. She is trying really hard! She moves herself around her bed. She is 7 months old now. I cannot believe she is closer to one than to a newborn! God I love them all soo much and I hate that I lose my temper so easily. I don't hit but I do yell. ALOT. I do not want them to grow up like I did. Feeling like they were just in the way or mistakes.

I was told by a "family friend" that I was not wanted by my parents and my family is so screwed up! Really I do not know many of my brothers or sisters. I do not fit in with my Father's children. In fact I think I am more a pain in the ass for them than anything. I really know nothing about my father and his side of the family. I am the outcast from that side and I am not exactly sure why. I know they do not care for my mom but like I said the wheres and whys are a mystery to me.

Only one sister kept in touch when I was growing up and I am not invited to family events. In fact the first time one of my brothers talked to me in 20 some odd years was to call to tell me I needed to sign a form about our father's residuals and money. Honestly I haven't had the time or money to get the form signed but I think it may go deeper than that mentally. I will go and get the form signed now that I finally got some money and send it to them. I am going to send a letter that they can have everything from this day on. It is too depressing so I would rather give everything up then they do not have to wait for me again.

Kassiah told me the other day that Mac told her that she was a mistake and wanted to know if it was true. I am upset that Mac would say something like that to her but even more upset that anyone would think it. I feel like I have failed them. Apparently my best is not good enough and I don't know how to fix it. How do I show them how much I really do love them? I am not good enough to be their mom. It is not fair to them. Just because I am screwed up doesn't mean they should have to suffer. I really hope that by asking for the wellbutrin it will help me become a better person. I was really mean today and I am so upset with myself.

Well this entry became a whole lot more than I intended it to be but I think I needed to get it out. I am going to make sure tomorrow is a better day and if anyone is actually reading this, thanks for letting me Ramble!