Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quiet? Is that what it is?

Yep Quiet. I am not sure how to adapt to this new "Quiet" house. The 5 older kids started school on Monday. Kassi started full day Kindergarten. And even Caden has Preschool from 11:45 to 3pm. So after he leaves the 2 babies go down for naps and I am almost at a loss as to what to do with myself (besides the obvious cleaning). It is amazing how much you can get done with no kids underfoot or messing things up as quickly as they are cleaned.

It is a very welcome (yet lonely) break. I cannot wait for mom's group to start back up so I have someplace to "hang".

As we settle into this new schedule I find myself much less stressed (at least till 3 pm when everyone is home again.) As soon as my iphone decides it's done syncing with my computer I will upload some pics of the kids from the first day of school. For now I am going to go put Caden on the bus and clean the bathroom while the babies sleep.

In the mean time will you please pray for Baby Ryan. He was born with his heart beating OUTSIDE his body. He is 6 months old and had surgery to put his heart back into his chest today.

Also I just found out today that my friend Kathi's Husband was in a motorcycle accident last week. His is out of ICU but in a wheelchair and pretty broken. Kathi and her husband has a lot of kids like us and they can use your prayers for a quick recovery.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Sorry everyone.
I have just had no words.
I have been busying myself with the bus and am happy to say the work seems to be paying off. Not money wise but it is a good project.
I have just had nothing to say. My life is just so.... in pieces right now and I am trying to figure out how to put them all together again. I feel like my life is a mirror that someone dropped. I am pretty sure all the pieces are here but I cannot seem to figure out how to properly fit them back together again.
I am torn between What I think is best, what my husband wants, what everyone else wants and what needs to be done and What I want seems to have gotten pushed aside though I know if I just do what I want, I will have less stress and most of my family will be better off for it. So how come I cannot just bring myself to do it?
I guess cause I feel guilty.
Why I am not sure. It was not my problem to begin with I just had to take it on and now it has become MY problem. It is a daily struggle and I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy if I don't want to deal with it.

Why do I hold onto things? I mean useless crap, previous problem aside, I have too much shit!
Why can I not seem to let things, Material things, go. I feel the need to simplify my life, I am tired of the constant mess, the constant state of Chaos, the constant fretting over stupid things.
Kids are happy so I guess not all is bad. But Tom and I have not really talked in weeks, we get mad easily, he never seems happy.
He is different.
I really think Iraq changed him and not for the better, but no one cares. So we deal. We deal with the constant yelling and the constant "bad mood" and I deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough.
At anything.
I cannot keep the kids and the house alone yet that is what I do and here is the only place to let it out. I so often wish to seek the answers from God but damn it I am too busy to have the time. And honestly I am not sure I want to ask. I have such a hard time trusting in him and I question constantly why my life is the way it is. Did I not go to church often enough as a kid? I don't particularly care to go even now as an adult. I want to be closer to God but cannot bring myself to do it. Lack of time? Energy? Afraid of what I will discover? All of the above and more?
I know he has seen me though some hard times and I know it is because of his love and grace that Soli is here with us. And I do thank him for that but that is about where it stops. Well maybe not stops but is on pause. I long to be happy, feel important, useful, adequate even. I want to enjoy my kids because they will not be kids forever and I do not want them hating me when they are older because I did not do something or for them to feel inadequate in any way.
Ok I am going to bed, Tom should be asleep by now and someone has a Dr appt in the morning. School starts in 7 days. I am glad the kids (most of them) like school and Kassi is starting Kindergarten. She is turning 5 on Thursday. They are all getting so big. I am almost afraid to blink cause they might be gone. Goes so fast.