Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quiet? Is that what it is?

Yep Quiet. I am not sure how to adapt to this new "Quiet" house. The 5 older kids started school on Monday. Kassi started full day Kindergarten. And even Caden has Preschool from 11:45 to 3pm. So after he leaves the 2 babies go down for naps and I am almost at a loss as to what to do with myself (besides the obvious cleaning). It is amazing how much you can get done with no kids underfoot or messing things up as quickly as they are cleaned.

It is a very welcome (yet lonely) break. I cannot wait for mom's group to start back up so I have someplace to "hang".

As we settle into this new schedule I find myself much less stressed (at least till 3 pm when everyone is home again.) As soon as my iphone decides it's done syncing with my computer I will upload some pics of the kids from the first day of school. For now I am going to go put Caden on the bus and clean the bathroom while the babies sleep.

In the mean time will you please pray for Baby Ryan. He was born with his heart beating OUTSIDE his body. He is 6 months old and had surgery to put his heart back into his chest today.

Also I just found out today that my friend Kathi's Husband was in a motorcycle accident last week. His is out of ICU but in a wheelchair and pretty broken. Kathi and her husband has a lot of kids like us and they can use your prayers for a quick recovery.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Sorry everyone.
I have just had no words.
I have been busying myself with the bus and am happy to say the work seems to be paying off. Not money wise but it is a good project.
I have just had nothing to say. My life is just so.... in pieces right now and I am trying to figure out how to put them all together again. I feel like my life is a mirror that someone dropped. I am pretty sure all the pieces are here but I cannot seem to figure out how to properly fit them back together again.
I am torn between What I think is best, what my husband wants, what everyone else wants and what needs to be done and What I want seems to have gotten pushed aside though I know if I just do what I want, I will have less stress and most of my family will be better off for it. So how come I cannot just bring myself to do it?
I guess cause I feel guilty.
Why I am not sure. It was not my problem to begin with I just had to take it on and now it has become MY problem. It is a daily struggle and I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy if I don't want to deal with it.

Why do I hold onto things? I mean useless crap, previous problem aside, I have too much shit!
Why can I not seem to let things, Material things, go. I feel the need to simplify my life, I am tired of the constant mess, the constant state of Chaos, the constant fretting over stupid things.
Kids are happy so I guess not all is bad. But Tom and I have not really talked in weeks, we get mad easily, he never seems happy.
He is different.
I really think Iraq changed him and not for the better, but no one cares. So we deal. We deal with the constant yelling and the constant "bad mood" and I deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough.
At anything.
I cannot keep the kids and the house alone yet that is what I do and here is the only place to let it out. I so often wish to seek the answers from God but damn it I am too busy to have the time. And honestly I am not sure I want to ask. I have such a hard time trusting in him and I question constantly why my life is the way it is. Did I not go to church often enough as a kid? I don't particularly care to go even now as an adult. I want to be closer to God but cannot bring myself to do it. Lack of time? Energy? Afraid of what I will discover? All of the above and more?
I know he has seen me though some hard times and I know it is because of his love and grace that Soli is here with us. And I do thank him for that but that is about where it stops. Well maybe not stops but is on pause. I long to be happy, feel important, useful, adequate even. I want to enjoy my kids because they will not be kids forever and I do not want them hating me when they are older because I did not do something or for them to feel inadequate in any way.
Ok I am going to bed, Tom should be asleep by now and someone has a Dr appt in the morning. School starts in 7 days. I am glad the kids (most of them) like school and Kassi is starting Kindergarten. She is turning 5 on Thursday. They are all getting so big. I am almost afraid to blink cause they might be gone. Goes so fast.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Everything has it's time...

There comes a time when you need to stop thinking about other people and start thinking about yourself. For me I think that time is now. I have always put others before myself and you would think I would be a happier person for it. But that is not so. I think I have done for others to the detriment of myself. So I am going to try another route. I am going to do for me and if it works in MY plan, schedule then I will see if I can fit them in. Perhaps doing for myself more will make me a happier person.

Friday, July 24, 2009

It's been...

One of those days, no one of those weeks....

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Big news on the twilight bus blog. Go see....
My heart is still racing!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 and Party Favors!

The title says it all. I got Drugs today! Woo hoo. I have a full arsenal on hand for the killer headaches and also some "happy drugs" Well I guess we will see how "happy" they are in a few weeks.
Cleaning... a never ending job. But I downloaded the Twilight series so I can listen to my books while I clean. Tomorrow morning is cleaning the boys room. I have sooooo many clothes to put away! Oh yea and about 10 more loads of laundry!
Party Favors. Well water bottles.
Yep been working on making the water bottle labels for my cousin's baby shower. I cannot wait for everyone to see them! I was up until 2 am the other night creating them then had to go to kinkos to print and laminate then. Now I have to cut them all and put them all on the water bottles.
All 60 of them!
I really hope she likes them! I also worked on her diaper cake and 2 other presents for baby girl that I cannot show yet but I am sooo proud of them! OK well CJ and M are home and I am gonna go to bed. Soli gets a new Mic-key tomorrow so it may be a LONG day...

Monday, July 13, 2009

Moving rooms and Making room...

Yep you read that right. I have been moving rooms around and making room. For Lily and Meghan. As of the end of next week Meg and Lily will be living with us. I am kinda excited. One to have Lily here (yes I already shopped for many matching outfits for her and Soli!) but to also have Meghan here. Another person to talk to and have around.

Tom is leaving on the 18th for AT and will be gone till Aug 2. I am going to be calling my Dr tomorrow. I think I want to get back on the Wellbutrin, I am just not myself. I know the migraine I have had since last night does not help (I just cannot get rid of it!) I nearly lost it today and I just feel sad all the time. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will help. I hate the person I have become.

I am still waiting for help with Respite for Brianna and the nurse to help with Soli though I am nervous about the nurse for Soli. I guess I just feel that I should do everything for her. She is doing great with Physical therapy and her therapist is the best! I think she will be rolling from her back to her tummy soon. She is trying really hard! She moves herself around her bed. She is 7 months old now. I cannot believe she is closer to one than to a newborn! God I love them all soo much and I hate that I lose my temper so easily. I don't hit but I do yell. ALOT. I do not want them to grow up like I did. Feeling like they were just in the way or mistakes.

I was told by a "family friend" that I was not wanted by my parents and my family is so screwed up! Really I do not know many of my brothers or sisters. I do not fit in with my Father's children. In fact I think I am more a pain in the ass for them than anything. I really know nothing about my father and his side of the family. I am the outcast from that side and I am not exactly sure why. I know they do not care for my mom but like I said the wheres and whys are a mystery to me.

Only one sister kept in touch when I was growing up and I am not invited to family events. In fact the first time one of my brothers talked to me in 20 some odd years was to call to tell me I needed to sign a form about our father's residuals and money. Honestly I haven't had the time or money to get the form signed but I think it may go deeper than that mentally. I will go and get the form signed now that I finally got some money and send it to them. I am going to send a letter that they can have everything from this day on. It is too depressing so I would rather give everything up then they do not have to wait for me again.

Kassiah told me the other day that Mac told her that she was a mistake and wanted to know if it was true. I am upset that Mac would say something like that to her but even more upset that anyone would think it. I feel like I have failed them. Apparently my best is not good enough and I don't know how to fix it. How do I show them how much I really do love them? I am not good enough to be their mom. It is not fair to them. Just because I am screwed up doesn't mean they should have to suffer. I really hope that by asking for the wellbutrin it will help me become a better person. I was really mean today and I am so upset with myself.

Well this entry became a whole lot more than I intended it to be but I think I needed to get it out. I am going to make sure tomorrow is a better day and if anyone is actually reading this, thanks for letting me Ramble!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My encounter of the raving kind...

Had to bring this entry over from the bus blog! ENJOY!
OK I usually do not write about personal stories on this blog but since it had to do with the bus I figured Why not..

We were out and about in the bus today. I went to Toys R Us to exchange something. Well some of the kids did not want to go in (as I was only running in to the counter and back) and having 2 teenagers in the bus, I decided to let them stay in the bus and read their books and listen to the music.
After about 4/5 minutes I came back out (now remember I am in the spot closest to the entrance literally 20 feet away) and I come out and am immediately attacked by some guy ranting and raving at me. He literally jumped on me as he asked why I would leave the kids in the bus. I informed him that I had 2 teens in the bus and it was perfectly legal and safe to allow them to watch the few little ones for 5 minutes.
His minion (wife or girlfriend I think) starts ranting about how she gives to the "foundation/organization" and comes out of the store to see kids in the bus and how appalled she is. I informed her that I was not an "organization" and I had no clue what she was talking about and she starts yelling at me telling me not to lie to her about being in the "organization". I politely say again that I have no clue what she is talking about, I have gotten no money from anyone. The man says that yes I am an "organization" and she gives money to them. Once again I told him I did not know what he was talking about that the bus was a privately owned vehicle. He asked me what the web address is and I told him a link to our blog. He says "Oh and what will I find on this site?" I proudly told him lots of pictures of an old school bus!
I climbed into the bus as the raving guy says the police are on their way. I told him "well my kids are hungry and I am going to go feed them lunch feel free to send the police over to Burger King if you want." I close my door make sure kids are belted in and back out of my spot with the man yelling at the lady to "follow her!"
Needless to say half way to BK the police pull the bus over and 2 officers (from different cars) come to the bus door. I opened the door and welcomed the officers aboard the bus. They came in and asked me if there was a problem and I let them know what went on. They of course ran my licence to make sure I was not some Kidnapping psycho or something , Nope clean as a whistle not so much as a traffic ticket. They came back and I spent the next 5-10 minutes telling them the story of the bus. After nearly picking them up off the ground as they asked if all the kids were mine and informing them that yes they were, they checked out the bus and said it was awesome and for us to have a good day. I closed the bus doors and continued to BK to feed the now starving children.
I do however wish I had waited in the parking lot for the police so they lady and guy could see that I did nothing wrong and they had their panties in a bunch for nothing. Oh well.
Like I said before, Life is never dull around here, especially when you drive a renovated school bus full of kids!
Maybe this is what she thought I was.....
The Twilight Benefit Foundation is a "501(c)3" charitable organization, existing to support and further social, philanthropic and humanitarian efforts to give something back... to the community and to our fellow man.Our focus is on social needs and concerns, the preservation of our environment, and the continuing research for the elimination of catastrophic disease. We strive with uncompromising passion to leave this world better than we found it.

I guess leaving the kids in the bus (thus avoiding several temper tantrums and many Mommy buy me this), did not fit into their idea of striving to leave the world better than they found it, though I can guarantee that Toys R us is better for it!

Friday, July 3, 2009

A SN Parents Bill Of Rights

Written by Ellen S.
Ellen can be found at To The Max.
A Bill of Rights For Parents of Kids With Special Needs
We, the parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure tranquility (and sanity) and promote the general welfare of our families, do ordain and establish this Bill of Rights.
* We have the right to expect our kids to be seen for who they are as individuals, not as labels or diagnoses.
* We have a right to trust our instincts about our kids and realize that experts don't always know best.
* We have a right to ignore the remarks, questions and stares and not give explanations or excuses for why our children are the way they are.
* We have a right to choose alternative therapies for our kids.
* We have a right to roll our eyes straight out of our heads when we encounter certain mothers who brag nonstop that their kids are the smartest students/best athletes ever.
* We have a right to wonder "What if…" every so often.
* We have a right to play aimlessly with our children. Not for therapeutic or educational purposes—just for fun.
* We have a right to blast Bruce Springsteen/ Tom Petty/Any Rocker, down a glass of Pinot Grigio, get a pedicure, go out with the girls or do all of the aforementioned at once if that's what it takes to avoid burnout.
* We have a right to react to people's ignorance in whatever way we feel necessary.
* We have a right to not always have our child be the poster child for his/her disability and some days be just a child
We have a right to go through the grieving process and realize we may never quite be "over it."
* We have the right to give our kids chores. Even better if they can learn to make breakfast in bed for us.
* We have a right to stretch the truth when we fail to do the exercises the therapist asked us to do this week because we were too darn tired or overwhelmed.
* We have a right to have yet more Pinot Grigio
* We have a right to fire any doctor or therapist who's negative, unsupportive or who generally says suck-y things.
* We have a right to tell family and friends that everything may not be OK—at least not how they mean it, anyway.
* We have a right to hope for an empty playground so we don't have to look into another child's eyes and answer the question, "What's wrong with him?"
* We have a right to bawl on the way back from the playground, the birthday party, the mall or anyplace where our children's challenges become glaringly obvious in the face of all the other kids doing their typical-development things.
* We have the right to give our children consequences for their behavior. They may be "special" but they can still be a royal pain in the ass.
* We have a right to take a break from Googling therapies, procedures, medicine and treatments for our kids to research upcoming concerts, exotic teas or anything not related to our child's disabilities.
* We have a right to talk about how great our kids are when people don't get it.
* We have the right to not always behave as inspirational icons who never complain or gripe about the sometimes awful realities of raising a child with special needs.
* We have a right to expect quality services for our children not just when they're infants, preschoolers and elementary school age, but when they're in older grades and adults, too.
* We have a right to adequate funding for those services and to not have to kick, scream or endure a wait for them.
* We have a right to get tired of people saying, as they give that sympathy stare, "I don't know how you do it."
* We have a right to wish that sometimes things could be easier.
* We have a right to cheer like crazy anytime our children amaze us—or weep like lunatics.
* We have a right to push, push and push some more to make sure our children are treated fairly by the world.
For a printable copy, e-mail LoveThatMax@

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chaos and Cookies

If you know me you know I almost always live in a state of Chaos. I mean with 9 kids going 12 different directions (yes 12 and I am not sure how they accomplish that) it is a wonder anything gets done!
I will be the first to admit I am not perfect, My kids are not the perfectly well behaved little kids holding mommy's hand in the store not asking for a thing. Mine are usually the ones playing grab ass as my husband calls it, down the aisle. There is often a small child crying because someone touched them or they cannot have something. Many times more than one. My son is often looking like a lost tourist among the sea of racks and aisles.
Wherever we go we are noticed. Sometimes that is good (when the kids are half way behaving) and many times it is not.
There is no such thing as a quick run into the store. Each trip takes lots of time to prepare for.

My life seems at times, like when you are baking cookies. (My cookies come pre-made but let's just roll with this.) To bake cookies you have to get all the ingredients together, You have to measure out everything. You have to pre-heat the oven, mix, roll out, grease the pan, cut the cookies and then finally put them in to bake. You await the final buzz of the oven. In the meantime you smell the cookies baking and you imagine what it will be like when they are done. You look at your kitchen covered in dirty mixing bowls and cups and dusted with flour. It is a bit overwhelming when you are in the moment, but you know that in the end the cookies will be worth all the mess.

Right now my cookies (Kids) are in the oven (growing) and I am staring at my dirty kitchen (my daily chaos of a family of 11) But when the timer goes off, I know that the Cookies will be well worth the wait and the mess left behind.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Throwing in the Towel

Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel?
I for one, have days when I wish I could.
Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you just quit? I mean what would happen if you just walked away?
I have often wondered what it would be like to be the irresponsible parent. You know the one who is able to walk away and leave it all behind. I KNOW I could never really do that but I do wonder sometimes. I wonder what I would be doing right now if I was not cleaning house, cooking dinner, chasing kids, running to dr appointments, being a wife.
Would I be happier?
Would I know what I was missing or because I never had it, would I even care?
Where would I be?
Who would I be?
The saying "the grass is greener on the other side" applies here. I can think about all this and think of how my life would be somehow better but would it really?
I had a neighbor, whom my daughter CJ helps with shopping and cleaning, attempt to throw in the towel this week and I watched my 11 year old come home upset and confused. I have had to explain more about life in the past few days than I ever though I would have to explain to an 11 year old.
We always dream of it better but honestly I don't think it would be.
Different yes but not necessarily better.
As much as I have days like today and I am very close to throwing in the towel, I check on my kids (who after MUCH arguing and a day full of being annoying and not listening) who are asleep in their beds, I know that it is because of them that I will never actually thrown in the towel but I will use that towel to wipe the crap off my kitchen table!
I am still figuring out what my life is supposed to mean but I do know that I was supposed to be these children's mom for whatever reason and I have to do all I can to be the best I can for them.
As for the proverbial "towel" it is now piled with the mound of dirty clothes in the laundry room and someday I will get caught up and that towel will once again surface but for now at least my kitchen table is clean!

Ever wanna post to noone?

OK I was looking for a good sounding board.
Somewhere I could post anonymously about whatever was bugging me.
You know you always feel better when you say what is on your mind but many times you can't. SO I came up with this blog.
I am going to use it to complain about whatever is bugging me and I opened it up to anyone else who cares to do the same .
It is a great place to let it all out.
Share your rants, raves and have your own Pity party.
Everyone needs to have one at some point and you know you feel better after you let it out.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Something Good from Something bad..

Visit my Blog just for HWWP.

Lazy Sunday?

Soli and Lily Watching Riley graduate from Kindergarden

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do today. I am down 3 kids so I can take the minivan. Maybe the outlet mall or swimming. Except Soli can't go in the pool and it might be too hot to have her just sitting outside.

I do have good news though! Soli has been taking all her daytime feeds by bottle for the past 2 days! I don't worry too much what she takes during the day because I can make the calories up overnight on her continuous feeds. Yesterday she drank 4.5 bottles (she SHOULD take 5) so not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Her tummy the day before surgery (yes at 9 lbs she still fits in my bathroom sink!)

Here are some pictures of outdoor fun with daddy last weekend.. Unfortunately daddy has drill this weekend so we are on our own.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Prayers for April Rose a fake.

Last weekend and for the past few months I have been following the blog of a young mom named "B" and her little girl April Rose. Honestly the blog was well written and even though her daughter was not supposed to survive he faith in God and her strength were amazing! I prayed for this little girl daily! Last sunday I sat and pressed refresh a million times while little April Rose was being born and held my breath with each update. Until the pictures were posted... I noticed the babies in the college one were not the same baby and the baby looked fake, like a doll even. "B" was exposed as a fake and "B" was a woman named Beccah Rose Beushausen. Little April Rose? None other than a baby reborn doll.
Here are some pics of Beccah and April Rose.

This frustrates me so much but I will take from this that I did find some words of comfort in her posts and she did get my prayer requests for Soli out to more people than my blog would have so I will accept that is what all this was for. I am however glad that there is no dying baby named April Rose but for every fake April Rose there are 100 other really sick babies so keep praying folks.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Not what I had planned.

How many time have you set out to do something and it just didn't quite turn out the way you planned? Or have you ever planned out every detail of something just for it not to go as you had planned?
Sometimes I think it's God's joke to give us the illusion that we have any say in what happens to us. That's all it really is. Planning anyhow. It's an illusion. We can plan for what we WANT to happen but honestly we have no true control over the ultimate outcome of anything.
When I was little all I want to do was grow up and be a mommy. I planned to have kids and lots of animals. Be well off, not rich but comfortable. I had all these plans as a little girl. Over the years plans changed as opportunities arose, but ultimately I got what I planned for.
Well....sort of.
It was not my plan to get married, get divorced, get re-married. It was not my plan to cart kids to non-custodial parents for visits.
It was not in my plan to have 10 kids. Nor was it in my plan to raise someone else's kids.
It was not in my plan to have disabled kids.
But the best laid plans can become not what was planned.
When I met Tom it was not in my plan to have 5 kids in 5 years.
It was not in my plan to deliver 2 kids in the same calender year.
It was not in my plan to deliver a 25 weeks 25 oz baby and it was not in my plan to spend a total of nearly 4 of her first 6 months in the hospital.
It was not in my plan to have endless medical appointment for my children.
It was not in my plan to have a section in my house where Medial supplies are stored.
It was not in my plan to hear the constant hum of an oxygen regulator in my home nor was it in my plan to have the ability to recognise an apnea monitor's wail from anywhere in the house.
It was not in MY plan.
But it was in God's.
At times I have a very hard time dealing with God's plan. I want it my way, according to my plan. Those who know me, know I am a very take charge kind of person. I am the kind of person who goes after what I want and I am very determined and usually prevail.
I am being humbled now. At least I would rather say humbled instead of broken down.
This whole "my life with Soli" part of my life reminds me of boot camp. In boot camp the RDC's job was to break you so they could then build you up the way they wanted to to be. Lately I have been feeling broken down, nothing is what I had planned for me or my family. I am thankful for Tom though I feel like at times we are being so stretched that we might break but he is there when it counts. I am thankful for my Internet and IRL (in real life) family and friends, my blog readers who give me someone to talk to.
I guess now I have to look to God and trust in him to build me back up.
Perhaps this is what was in his plan all along even though... It was not what I had planned.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Pea is 9lbs 4ozs! And out of Surgery!

The Board I watched for an hour and a half, telling us Peanut is out of surgery and in PACU.
We stayed in recovery for about an hour and a half and got Angel some pain meds and then went up to our room on the 6th floor. Now she is restless but seems to be doing good.
Her heart rate is up a bit, respirations are a bit fast and her O2 sats are hovering in the low 90's but so far so good. I held it together pretty good until I got the call that surgery was over and she was going to recovery and then I realized I had spent the previous hour and a half barley breathing. For all those interested here is what her tummy looks like right now:

In about 6 weeks the tube will be removed and replaced with a Mic-Key button. Ok well she just got some more pain meds so I am going to rest for a bit. Getting up every 2 hours all night last night was not conducive to a good night's rest for mommy..

See you later peanut...

I've done it and unlike last time I am not crying.
Not because I am not nervous for her but because I know I am doing the right thing.
Hopefully she will not need the G-tube for a long amount of time, but right now it is the right choice.
Now we will be able to see her beautiful face without tape all over it.
Now she will look like a normal baby and the first impression strangers get will not be of a sick baby.
No longer will I be greeted by "Adorable baby what is wrong with her?"
She will no longer be defined by the yellow feeding tube that covered half her face.
Though not "Normal" (see this post about that word) she will at least for the most part APPEAR "Normal".

So now I sit here watching then little blue screen (BYW she is SI..A,S)that has now told me her surgery has begun and know that she is in God's hands and that he will take care of her.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Davine intervention? Karma? Revenge?

This morning I decided that I would go tie up some loose ends with the bus stickers and take the kids to the flea market.
Well anyone who has been to a flea market can tell you parking is less than ideal. Since I had Soli and the other little ones I decided I would just pull to the side of the aisle and wait for one of the handicapped spaces to open up. After 10 mins I saw someone come from the flea market and when they got to the car on the right of me I put my blinker on to signal I was going to park there. As I was waiting for this person to back out, a lady in a white car pulled up between me and the car backing up.
Surely this lady knew I was waiting for the spot and was not going to try to steal it right?
As I realized her intentions were to snipe my spot I honked and she looked at me. I told her I was waiting to park there and she shrugged her shoulders and shook her head and mouthed that she was going to park there. I politely mouthed back that I was waiting and she again shrugged her shoulders and then pulled into the spot.
I sat there dumbfounded as I watched her jump out of the car throw her kids in the stroller and run into the flea market. OMG I was pissed!! As I sat there trying to pick my jaw up off the car floor and take a few deep breaths, another spot 2 spaces over opened up and I parked.
I got the kids out and decided I was going to look at her car. She had no handicap plates and was not displaying a placard.
The fine in our town for parking in a handicap space without proper placards or plates:
Still pissed at her I call the Police and told them there was someone parked illegally in a handicap space.
The officer quickly responded and I told him the story.
"Now" I told him, "had she pulled a disabled person out of the car I may have been more forgiving but she was just plain rude." The officer agreed with me. I left and took the kids into the market and when I came out this was her car and this is what happened:

Davine Intervention? Karma? Revenge? Whatever you want to call it, I can guarantee she was not prepared to spend over $400 to go to the flea market today. Wow she got some really expensive fruits! I hope they are good!

Monday, June 1, 2009

45 hours

It is hard to believe that in the past almost 6 months we have gone from this:

To this:

From 25 ounces to 8 and a half pounds!

5 months and 5 days ago I was here:

Watching them wisk my daughter off for Heart Surgery.
Today I am holding her closer knowing that in 45 hours I will once again watch my daughter roll thru the doors marked Surgery and I will take a long deep breath as the doors shut behind her knowing I will not breathe again till I am by her side in recovery.
I think I am more scared about this smaller surgery than I was about her heart surgery. Maybe it's because I cannot picture my life without this little wonder. Because since I have been with her all this time I know what I would be missing if she was not here.
I have been so torn about this surgery. I want to do what is best for her and after much deliberation, I think this is it. I can only say I think because I do have some reservations though in the end the benefits far outweigh the negatives.
45 hours.
45 more hours to look at her perfect little body.
45 hours more to kiss her little face.
45 hours more before she is changed forever.
45 hours more to hold her close, snuggle her body and breathe in her scent before handing her over to strangers.
45 hours.
So far yet so close. So for the next 45 hours I am going to love on my daughter, not think of the what ifs, cherish every coo and movement, every smile and even her cry.
45 hours more that I am going to pray to God to keep her safe and pray to him for the peace that I am making the right choice for her.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

To past the time....


Saturday, May 30, 2009

SO NOT FAIR!!!!!!!

Don't you just want more??? AACCKKKK! NOw you know I will figuring out what channel is MTV and I will be tuned in for the premere of the trailer for Twilight 2: New Moon. 9 EST Sunday on MTV.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Kickin it Old Skool! LOL

OK since I just gave my big sister my blog address, I though it only fair to post some old pics.. Enjoy!
Pics of My Bio Dad, Older Sister, Mom and Me.

Prayer moves Mountians...

As you might have noticed I added a "Praying for Soli" button to the right side of my blog.
I hope you will take it and use it because as the title says Prayer Moves Mountians.
Before she was born I asked for prayers for her to stay inside till she reached viability.
She stayed in 2 more weeks.
When Soli was born at 25 weeks weighing only 25 ozs, I asked for prayers for her to survive.
She is nearing 6 months old.
At 17 days old I asked for prayers that she make it through heart surgery.
She flew thru with flying colors.
I have asked several times for prayer for our beautiful Angel and now here I am asking once again.

Wednesday June 3 at 7:30 am Soli will be undergoing yet another surgery. She will be getting a G-tube placed. I am asking for prayers again for God to guide the surgeons and once again shine his mercy and grace on our Angel.
I will update on Wed via twitter so you can follow me on there (Link on the right----->)
She will be in the hospital for a few days.
Also please pray that I can handle all these new things that come with having a Micro preemie. We have dealt with feeding issues before but Soli is a whole new game. It is upsetting to me that I cannot fix everything. As her mom I want to make it all better and I can't and that is something I am finding extremely hard to deal with. Please pray I can find the strength and trust in God to help me accept all that has happened, is happening and what is to come. I do not know what great things God has planned for our little Angel but I do know they are great!

If you are a loyal Follower THANK YOU. Without you I would feel so alone.
If you are new to our blog, Please click "follow" in the right side bar so that I may know you and visit your blogs and pray for your families also. Thank you all for taking time from your days, from your schedule, from your families to read about ours.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


The Big Spill

Corbin had a rough Memorial day....

While outside with his sister he had a stroller accident. My poor baby spent dinner time in the ER. Poor thing was so beat up though today he looks better on his head but his hand looks worse.

I have a state hearing for MacKenzie today so wish me luck. If this goes our way it will be one less stressor on us..