Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year to Mommy~

Margie felt bad for me on Christmas she said so guess what I got to do when I got in there tonight!!!
I cannot wait to see what 2009 has in store for us. I hope it just gets better. I could not have asked for a better way to end 2008 than to hold my Christmas Angel!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A HUGE thanks!

I have to take some time out today to First off say thank you to everyone for keeping up with my blog and for praying for Soli and our family.

But this big thanks has to go to Mary and her Fabulous crew at the Elk Grove Chick-Fil-a. From the first day that we met them they have been great. I am sure it is a bit unnerving to see a mom and dad come in with 8 little kids running rampid around them. But Mary and her crew have been awesome. They always make us feel welcome and go out of their way to make sure we are taken care of.

Since Soli was born and my kids went into Chick-fil-a and told Mary she was born and very small, Mary has provided us with some meals and more importantly with prayer and friendship. I feel like I am walking into a family members house when we come in the front door. Warmth, welcome and genuine caring radiate from this place. The small town ideals run thru this place despite it not being in a small town. While my Husband was devastated to see his beloved Krispy Kreme go away he does not even miss it now (and knowing how much he loves his KK donuts that says alot!)

So to Mary and her Whole crew THANK YOU!!

Oh and everyone else.... GO EAT AT CHICK-FIL-A in ELK GROVE!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Sunday, December 28, 2008

God does answer prayers...... in his own time

At 3:15 pm today the transport team came to get Soli.

I had spent the past 3 hours just looking at her. I wanted to memorize every hair on her head, every wrinkle on her skin and every movement of her body. I did not want to miss anything about her. I didn't want to think about it but I was not sure as they put her in the transport pod, if I would see her again. It was a real possibility and I had to face it. All I could do was pray that God would answer my prayers and that Soli would fight and stay with us. I knew the surgery had to be done and I asked God to just make sure she came back to us.

I watched her till she was out of sight in the OR and I walked away knowing God would not take her from us. I was sitting in the waiting room preparing for the 3 hour wait they said we would have and at 4:30 the nurse stuck her head in the door and said she was done and they were bringing her back to the NICU. I took my first deep breath of the day.

A few minutes later the elevator doors opened and Soli was wheeled out. She looked so good! Her color was pink and she looked so much at peace. She was not fighting her own body anymore. The Cardio Doc was worried because "she had such a large defect" they were worried she may have too much blood loss. She didn't have any blood loss and they did not need any of the pints of blood they had on standby for her. The look of relief on the faces of the parents of Soli's roommates let me know I was not the only one in there scared for and praying for her. I have much to be thankful for tonight and want to thank all of you for taking time out to pray for her also....

The Ride

I feel a bit light headed and my stomach is turning. Nerves I am sure.

We are approximately T-1 hour to surgery. I feel like the world is spinning around me and there is not much more I can do but hold on and go along for the ride.

It's like that ride at Disney California. You know, the one that you sit in facing out and it shoots you into the air, suspends you at the top for the most amazing view for about 5 seconds and then send you plummeting down to Earth. Then it bounces you back up only to send you plummeting again kind of like a giant Yo-yo.

At first you are not sure you want to ride it but you suck it up and get in line. When you get in line you are nervous but excited at the same time to try this ride. You know you may get nauseous, there is a chance you may even hurl. But you have heard it is all worth it for the view from the top.
You know that your stomach is going to be in your throat when you are done, but you have been told that the 30 second rush that you will experience is worth all the risks and possibilities.

This is, in a way, how I could summarize my Pregnancy with Soli. At first I was not sure that I wanted to go on the ride. I was not sure I was ready. I was enjoying Corbin being my baby and the bond we had. But I came around and got into the line nervous but excited. She was great! No contractions, pre-term labor, nothing. Only one question came about and that was with her heart. I was anxious till her Echo and was told she was fine. NO worries.

On Novemebr 30th I walked onto the ride and sat down. It took a long time to secure the safety harness but we thought we finally got it tight enough. December 6th I unbuckled my harness and walked out of the hospital. I hesitated but on December 11th at 5:50 am, I was forced onto the ride and someone pressed the start button.
I was scared and I wanted off but the ride was already in motion, going upwards and there was no way off. I held on tight during one of the most terrifying accents of my life.

At 11:53 pm I got to the top and for 5 seconds I got to see the most AMAZING View! All 1 pound 9 ounces of her!
For a second I totally forgot all about the bouncing the ride had left in store for me.

Now I am on the yo-yo part of the ride. I pray each day that we are strong enough to survive the ride and we come out OK. I am not sure how much up and down this ride has left in store for us but it is exhausting. The plummeting is the worst part. I pray all day for the ride to be over so they can unstrap me so we can get off and walk away from the ride.
The ride is Hell but I would ride it all over again for the 5 second view at the top and the ability to walk away knowing that we not only survived, we learned, we experienced, we triumphed, we conquered!

I am pretty sure I never want to ride this particular ride again but I know life will have plenty of other rides for us to experience.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

One step Forward & Two steps Back.. Heart Surgery Tomorrow

Well the Dr finally decided that Soli needs the heart surgery to close her PDA. The Left side of her heart is enlarged and her heart is working harder than it should be. Hopefully after this surgery things will turn around. He wants the Cardio Dr to do the surgery tomorrow. If that is the case I will be at the hospital all day. I am Scared but relieved at the same time. I just want her to get better. It is strange but I am almost at peace with the surgery. I know this Is what she needs to get better.
But the good news is She weighed 1 lb 14 ozs tonight!!! She would be 27w 5d gestation today. It is so hard to believe the rollar coaster we have been on for the 2w and 3d Soli has been here. She is So strong and I am so proud of her!
Here is her weekly Chick-a-la pic..
3 Days Old:

1 Week Old

2 Weeks Old

Did you know you can become a follower of our blog?? Just click the link and let us know you are following Soli. Leave a comment too. It gives me somethign to read and I read them to Soli and let her know just how many people love her.. XOXO or as my Old friend Ralph used to say.... Ciao!

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Brady's have Stopped!!!!!!!

Some good news today. The Brady's have stopped! She is not working so hard and her little body is getting a chance to recover. We are still waiting for the Cardiologist to find out what we are doing about her heart. She has a head ultrasound today so We are praying that is clear. I have to go get dressed to see my girl.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A not so good Christmas Morning

Nothing like waking up Christmas Morning to bad news. That is how my Christmas Morning started with a phone call from the NICU telling me that Soli was having trouble breathing and they had to re-intubate her. I was trying so hard to make Christmas Happy for the other kids and now I hate Christmas. This was not the Christmas Miracle I had in mind when I asked God for a Christmas Miracle. I just wanted some good news for Christmas. Despite the bad news about Soli I did manage to fake a smile and take pics of the other kids opening their presents. I have to keep reminding myself that it is Corbin's first Christmas too. I feel so bad for him. I know I am so concerned for how Soli is doing that I have to keep reminding myself that he needs me just as much..

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

pictures I promised

The Angel Daddy bought our Angel
Soli is getting her transfusion so I am unable to actually put her Christmas clothes on her so this is as close as I could get... Merry Christmas from all of us!

Oh yea it is Corbin's first Christmas too so here is his picture too and a few of the other little ones.

Corbin is also happy he is a Breastmilk baby again! He loves the mama milk!

Prayers needed now.

My heart stopped and 5 years fell off my life when I picked up the phone 10 minutes ago and saw the Words "Sutter Hospital" on the Caller ID. I hesitated a moment before answering. The nurse on the other line asked for me and told me Soli's Dr wanted to talk to me. I immediately began to panic. Dr L came on and told me it was time for Soli to get a transfusion. I am scared for her but relieved at the same time. She will feel much better afterwards and maybe this is what she needs to curb the bradys. Great Christmas present right?! Mixed blessing perhaps. He says her murmur sounds bigger but it might be her heart is working harder to pump the little bit of blood she has to her body. They redid the heart ultrasound last night and he is waiting for the report. She may need the PDA heart surgery. So as I type this she is getting the blood she needs thru a transfusion. Please say a prayer that this helps her and that her PDA is not bigger but smaller and she will not need heart surgery.

Teeny Fluff!!

Well most of you may know that I cloth Diaper my kiddos. Well I started my stash for Soli as soon as I found out I was pregnant with her. But of Course since she is sooo small I do not have fluff that tiny nor did I think there was anyone who could make them so tiny. Well a few WAHM have decided to make her some and the first ones in her micro size came yesterday. They are from Nana's Bottoms she is on Hyena Cart and custom made these for Soli.

Are they not the tiniest diapers you have ever seen? There are more on their way and I will also post pictures of them. Today I get to dress Soli in her Christmas outfit and her very First Fluff!! Keep an eye out for pics.....

Monday, December 22, 2008

Alone today

Well today is the first day I have been alone with the kids in over 3 weeks! Well since Nov 29th so I guess in almost a month. I had the sitter come over while I went to a dr appt to check on my incision and to find out what I am still in so much pain. She said the incision looks really good and she opened a 1/4 - 1/2 inch section of my incision to see if there was any fluid stuck inside. There wasn't so she is happy with my progress and thank God gave me some more pain meds and told me this week should be better. I sure hope so. I never realized just how far the NICU was from the parking lot till you walk it half bent over. Now I am home with the kids and we are doing well.

I am keeping up with my pumping and happy to announce that Happy Mr Corbin has only had 1, 4 oz formula bottle in the past 3 days! Yes he is a Happy Boy!! I really wish he would nurse again so it would be much easier but I am happy he is helping me keep up my supply without having to buy a 3rd freezer to keep it all in!

As for Soli she is still having alot of Bradys (her heart slowing down) but they are going to start her feedings again. Hopefully she will tolerate them this time, I mean third times a charm right? She is 1 lb 10 ozs and is finally gaining after dropping to 1 lb 5 ozs after her birth. I bought her the cutest Christmas outfit and I will get to put it on her maybe tomorrow or Wed. I will post pics when I do. I am sad because I have been out of comission for so long that I did not get to take Corbin to see Santa. It is his first Christmas too and I can't physically take him to the mall to get a pic with Santa.

I am doing a bit better, I am ok most of the day. It is when I am in bed at night that Soli not being here with us hits me the most. I am down to my Pre-pregnancy weight of 128 and instead of being happy about that I am sad. I keep trying to look at it as I need to heal and be good as new for when she comes home. We would be 27 weeks today. I was in the shower last night and I counted up all the weeks early my kids were and with Soli's missing weeks I have missed an entire 40 weeks, one whole pregnancy! Needless to say I cannot emotionally do this again so I am certain that Soli is our last baby. I feel sad but know that is what is best. Soli's birth has been the most taxing and the hardest recovery physically for me. Not only that but the incision they had to make to get her out is up and down on my uterus so this does not do well for another pregnancy either.

I have to say that since Soli's birth I have met some of the most generous and caring people. I mean people who don't even know us have helped us out in so many ways. I am so thankful for all of these Angels helping our angel and our family. I mean from helping pay for a sitter, gas, meds to making special cloth diapers for her small baby butt, to bringing my family food. Thank you all for your generosity. Especially during these hard times, I know that none of you have to do anything for us and Like I said I am so thankful for everything, everyone has done.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Random rambling at a 5 am pumping

I was thinking in the shower the other day that I no longer have anyone to sing to in the shower. There is noone to dance with or discuss the future with. This was never in the plans. Being my last baby I was enjoying my pregnancy and all the discomforts that came along with it. I feel like I got cheated. I never got to announce I was in Double digits since she was born 101 days before her due date. I never got to announce the joy of making it to the 3rd trimester. Hell I was only just starting to feel her move and I was loving it! I was prepairing for bringing another person into our lives but was not yet prepaired. I am still trying to figure out was purpose was supposed to be served by her coming so early. I was heading for one goal. I wanted to have one baby that when born was laid on my chest for me to hold and not wisked away before i was able to blink. If not for the emergency c-section i would have had that with Corbin. There was no chance with Soli. All the what if are constantly running thru my head.

I want to thank anyone reading this for allowing me to put my feelings on here. It helps me to get it out and I appriciate there are a few out there who read them. It is just so hard to talk to others around cause it seems noone understands.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

a prayer request

So far so good. Soli is doing great! She is such a fighter! My prayer request today is that we can find a company to order the breast pump we need from that will bill our insurance. If not, that we can figure out how to come up with the $1600 we need to buy it ourselves. It is a hospital pump we need for long term use.

I was thinking of maybe getting those bracelets with her name date and weight and selling them to raise the money for her pump. What do you guys think? Ok well I am holding my angel and typing on the iPhone sucks so I will update you all later.

The Countdown's begun!

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

Friday, December 19, 2008


I have been trying to keep busy trying to avoid the inevitable. But tonight I had some down time and it hit. I feel so betrayed. My body betrayed me. And in turn I have failed my baby. It was my job to protect her and to keep her safe and for reasons I am not clear of, my body betrayed me and I then failed to do my part for my baby. I should have stayed in the hospital and not moved for anything. Now I can do nothing but watch her and pray she is not hurting. I have to ask to touch or comfort my baby instead of rubbing my tummy when she is restless. It does not help that I am in so much pain from the c-section either. I do not remember being in so much pain with any of the others. Well I am wiped out so I am off to bed.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A little peak at our angel and prayers for Xavier

I see God's Miracles everyday lately. I am going to ask you all to please pray for my old hospital roommate Selena. She just turned 17 and her water broke with her baby at the begining of september. She has been in the hospital on bedrest trying to make it as long as she can for her little boy. Xavier was born last night at 28 weeks. He was deprived of oxygen for a long time after he was born and they FINALLY got him breathing after working on him for over 3 HOURS! they tell her they do not know to what extend his brain will be damaged due to the lack of oxygen but Selena has strong faith and keeps telling everyone that he is going to be fine and he is going to do well. She is amazing. I do not know many adults who could go thru what she has let alone any teenager faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Please pray for them.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Support Team Soli and the March of Dimes!

Soli and her family will be out April 25 2009 walking for The March of Dimes, Come join our team!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Look Ma!!! 3 Days Old!

Imagine my suprise today to find out Soli was being extubated. She was such a trooper and Mommy Patiently waited for the first little cry that was sure to accompany the process. The procedure we off without a hitch! And to Mommy's slight disappointment, without a cry. But after the CPAP was put on she let out a little cry just to please her Mommy! She is doing great and is still 1 lb 9 ozs. She is getting stronger everytime I see her. I even got to hold her for the first time today while the nurse changed her bed. I also got her give Soli her first kiss! Soli did not cry but Mommy Did!

Katie came to see me today and before she left at 11:30 pm she went in to check on Soli like she does every night. She came back to my room and said that she did not realize Soli had so much hair. Well as you can see by the picture she has to wear a hat with the CPAP. I was puzzled how Katie could see her hair and then Katie showed me a pic she took:

She is on Nasal Cannula. She is breathing on her own! She is 26 weeks Gestation today. I see God's Amazing Power, Love and Grace everytime I look at her. Thank you everyone for your prayers they are working as you can see!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

She is Here and She's a Fighter!

Solange Lea came into the world on 12/11/08 at 11:53pm. She is a whole 1 lb and 9.3 ozs and is 12.5" long. So far she is stable and strong! She is on a vent but that is to be expected. PLEASE continue to pray for her strength and health. It is going to be a long next few months but I know it will all be worth it. She is worth it. She is so perfect and so tiny. Her eyes are still fused shut but should open in a few days. Her feet are the size of the top of my thumb and my fingertip is too big for her hand to grasp.

I was awaken Friday morning at 5:50 am when my water broke. After a Lights and sirens Ambulance ride to the hospital I was given IV antibiotics and the waiting began. At 10 pm the nurses started to prep me for c-section because she was having some variable heart decels and my temp was going up and was 100.4, just incase. 5 mins later they hit, every 2-3 minutes I was having killer contractions.
At 11pm I was wheeled into the OR as our little angel decided her position of choice was transverse or across my belly with her head on my right and her butt down and feet on my left. The docs and I decided on a spinal and after 2 spinals we were finally ready to go. Nurses were worried because as I was getting the spinal they could not find her heartbeat and all I could think is that we were too late and we lost her. they laid me down and still could not locate her heartbeat. They ran in a Ultrasound machine so they could visualize her Heartbeat, I cried as they were looking for her and asked them in a panic if they could see her Heartbeat as I could not see the screen. They assured me she was good. All I could do was pray for God to keep his hand on her and to keep her safe. You have to understand that for the past week or 2 I would wake up EVERY night with Nightmares that she died, so when they showed her to me as they passed to take her out to work on her, I cried with relief that she survived her delivery.
Now she is over 24 hours old and she is up to 1.11. I trust that God is going to keep his hand on her and protect her since she is no longer safe in my tummy.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

it was asked...

why someone would want to have an early baby so here is my answer..
A week or 2 I understand but having to leave 4 of my babies behind as I went home is devistating and it does not get easier just because I expect an early baby. I have been having nightmares about losing Soli every night for the past week and all I can do is pray that she is strong enough to make it when she does come. NOTHING in the world can prepair you for seeing your baby sustained by machines and the feelings of guilt you carry for not being able to protect them and carry them like you are supposed to. I know I am doing everything in my power to keep her safe but I know it is not my choice when she comes. All I can do is pray that she has the strength and the defiant will that the rest of her siblings seem to have. I do have my moments of weakness when I wish she would just come already so we can take care of her and not be living in such a constant of what ifs. Then I remember my other babies hooked up to all the machines and the feeling of helplessness when I have to ask permission to touch or comfort my own child. and I feel guilty for feeling so selfish so here I sit waiting for her and God's will.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

still baking...

Well Soli's bag is still thru my cervix and she is now head down and engaged. My cervix is a 2-3 and about 80-90% effaced. It is literally only 1mm (paper thin). It is no longer IF she will come but just a matter of WHEN. She has not been very active today but I have not be having contractions so I am not sure what she is doing but we are almost 25 weeks. Almost a full week more than we though she would last so far. Everyday is a blessing. I am still on strict bedrest and I do not even what to know how much weight I have gained in the past week! I will try to let you know more when I know more..

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Still here

Well so far so good. Soli is staying put and I have never in my life laid around so much. Tom was my life saver today and brought me McDonald's. Have I mentioned how much I love him? We have an Ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning and we will know more then. I have learned that online shopping sucks! There is no variety online and shipping sucks. There is also not the same thrill of finding that great deal that you get when you come across something in the store.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Here I sit

Well here I sit on Hospital Bedrest. I am 2 cm dialated and Soli's water bag has come all the way thru and is sticking out of my Cervix. The dr's goal and now ours is to get Soli to as close as we can to 28 weeks. It is 4 more weeks. As of last night she is 1 lb 8 ozs. It is hard. I know this is the best place for me to be for Soli but I cannot help to feel guilty because I have other kids at home that also need me just as much. I am torn but I do know that Tom is doing a great job at home with the kids. I cannot imagine a better father for my children or a better husband. Next ultrasound is on Friday and then the dr will assess from there. So for now we are in a wait and hold pattern..