Monday, August 17, 2009

Sorry..

Sorry everyone.
I have just had no words.
I have been busying myself with the bus and am happy to say the work seems to be paying off. Not money wise but it is a good project.
I have just had nothing to say. My life is just so.... in pieces right now and I am trying to figure out how to put them all together again. I feel like my life is a mirror that someone dropped. I am pretty sure all the pieces are here but I cannot seem to figure out how to properly fit them back together again.
I am torn between What I think is best, what my husband wants, what everyone else wants and what needs to be done and What I want seems to have gotten pushed aside though I know if I just do what I want, I will have less stress and most of my family will be better off for it. So how come I cannot just bring myself to do it?
I guess cause I feel guilty.
Why I am not sure. It was not my problem to begin with I just had to take it on and now it has become MY problem. It is a daily struggle and I hate feeling like I'm the bad guy if I don't want to deal with it.

Why do I hold onto things? I mean useless crap, previous problem aside, I have too much shit!
Why can I not seem to let things, Material things, go. I feel the need to simplify my life, I am tired of the constant mess, the constant state of Chaos, the constant fretting over stupid things.
Kids are happy so I guess not all is bad. But Tom and I have not really talked in weeks, we get mad easily, he never seems happy.
He is different.
I really think Iraq changed him and not for the better, but no one cares. So we deal. We deal with the constant yelling and the constant "bad mood" and I deal with the constant feeling of not being good enough.
At anything.
I cannot keep the kids and the house alone yet that is what I do and here is the only place to let it out. I so often wish to seek the answers from God but damn it I am too busy to have the time. And honestly I am not sure I want to ask. I have such a hard time trusting in him and I question constantly why my life is the way it is. Did I not go to church often enough as a kid? I don't particularly care to go even now as an adult. I want to be closer to God but cannot bring myself to do it. Lack of time? Energy? Afraid of what I will discover? All of the above and more?
I know he has seen me though some hard times and I know it is because of his love and grace that Soli is here with us. And I do thank him for that but that is about where it stops. Well maybe not stops but is on pause. I long to be happy, feel important, useful, adequate even. I want to enjoy my kids because they will not be kids forever and I do not want them hating me when they are older because I did not do something or for them to feel inadequate in any way.
Ok I am going to bed, Tom should be asleep by now and someone has a Dr appt in the morning. School starts in 7 days. I am glad the kids (most of them) like school and Kassi is starting Kindergarten. She is turning 5 on Thursday. They are all getting so big. I am almost afraid to blink cause they might be gone. Goes so fast.

6 comments:

Cat said...

Dani,

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I think of God sort of like I am as a parent. I can't keep my kids from getting sick, getting hurt, or getting into trouble. I can nurture them, take care of them, teach them, and love them regardless of their faults. I believe God is the same. If you look at the Old Testament, he relentlessly pursued his people no matter what they did. His desire is to have a relationship with us. The law isn't there to show us what to do, but to show us we need God because there's no way we could do everything right.

As for chaos and clutter, I personally am a strong believer in passing on things we don't use to Good Will. It makes me feel like I'm giving something to people in need. More valuable things we sell on craigslist. Space is money. We also periodically glean through our things for stuff we don't use. I even go through the kids toys and get rid of silly things they collect but never play with. Party favors, happy meal toys, broken things, etc.

I'm sorry things haven't been going well.

Hugs,
Cat

heather said...

hugs and prayers sent for you mama!

Bhatt, Alok said...

Dani- All I would recommend is not to let the baggage affect you and your relationship......talk talk and talk.....there is no substitute to "communication"......remember the word has "union" somewhere...so you both need to talk in unison......re-ignite the passion......and love...things will fall in place....Get off your stated positions! Someone needs to make a start and it won't be a problem if that "someone" is "you" and not him.

Tiffany said...

Your post breaks my heart. I will pray for you until you are in a place to pray for yourself. I will pray that you draw closer to him and that through him you will feel all the things you desire: "happy, feel important, useful, adequate even". The fact the you even mention God lets us know that somewhere you need him.

Anonymous said...

Dani,
I have been following your posts for months. We were both in the expecting March 09 together, and we both had preemies long before we had planned for them to arrive. Soli was born a couple weeks before my Kennedi (girl) and I often read your posts and her progress for comfort. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, praying for your comfort, begging that God reveals his deep unmeasureable love and desire he has for you. It is so easy for us to get caught up in the what ifs, why me, how could this be happending mode; yet he is always saying "come to me Dani, for I am still here". ~Kelly~ Mother to two wonderful preemies, born "too" early for my plans, but in perfect timing for God's.

Lauren said...

{Mcdonalds Family} This is a part of our life and I believe that it is a beautiful source of strength in a world of chaos and sadness...It has definitley answered all of my questions about life and our purpose here on Earth...Let me know if you'd like to learn more... www.mormon.org ;)