Monday, July 13, 2009

Moving rooms and Making room...

Yep you read that right. I have been moving rooms around and making room. For Lily and Meghan. As of the end of next week Meg and Lily will be living with us. I am kinda excited. One to have Lily here (yes I already shopped for many matching outfits for her and Soli!) but to also have Meghan here. Another person to talk to and have around.

Tom is leaving on the 18th for AT and will be gone till Aug 2. I am going to be calling my Dr tomorrow. I think I want to get back on the Wellbutrin, I am just not myself. I know the migraine I have had since last night does not help (I just cannot get rid of it!) I nearly lost it today and I just feel sad all the time. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will help. I hate the person I have become.

I am still waiting for help with Respite for Brianna and the nurse to help with Soli though I am nervous about the nurse for Soli. I guess I just feel that I should do everything for her. She is doing great with Physical therapy and her therapist is the best! I think she will be rolling from her back to her tummy soon. She is trying really hard! She moves herself around her bed. She is 7 months old now. I cannot believe she is closer to one than to a newborn! God I love them all soo much and I hate that I lose my temper so easily. I don't hit but I do yell. ALOT. I do not want them to grow up like I did. Feeling like they were just in the way or mistakes.

I was told by a "family friend" that I was not wanted by my parents and my family is so screwed up! Really I do not know many of my brothers or sisters. I do not fit in with my Father's children. In fact I think I am more a pain in the ass for them than anything. I really know nothing about my father and his side of the family. I am the outcast from that side and I am not exactly sure why. I know they do not care for my mom but like I said the wheres and whys are a mystery to me.

Only one sister kept in touch when I was growing up and I am not invited to family events. In fact the first time one of my brothers talked to me in 20 some odd years was to call to tell me I needed to sign a form about our father's residuals and money. Honestly I haven't had the time or money to get the form signed but I think it may go deeper than that mentally. I will go and get the form signed now that I finally got some money and send it to them. I am going to send a letter that they can have everything from this day on. It is too depressing so I would rather give everything up then they do not have to wait for me again.

Kassiah told me the other day that Mac told her that she was a mistake and wanted to know if it was true. I am upset that Mac would say something like that to her but even more upset that anyone would think it. I feel like I have failed them. Apparently my best is not good enough and I don't know how to fix it. How do I show them how much I really do love them? I am not good enough to be their mom. It is not fair to them. Just because I am screwed up doesn't mean they should have to suffer. I really hope that by asking for the wellbutrin it will help me become a better person. I was really mean today and I am so upset with myself.

Well this entry became a whole lot more than I intended it to be but I think I needed to get it out. I am going to make sure tomorrow is a better day and if anyone is actually reading this, thanks for letting me Ramble!


2blessed2stress said...

awee sweetie cheer up, we all have days like that! and you forgot to mention that you were asked to be a feature in the NEWS! :) as for being a mistake, God doesnt make mistakes.... we dont have a mistake baking, we have a sweet surprise! ;)


heather said...

hugs to you mama and hang in there! i can't believe soli is 7 months already!

Jennifer C. Roberts said...

Wow!!! I could have written this myself! Just so you are not alone! (I've been watching your blog since you had Soli. I'm a preemie mom from BZ!)

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