It's my fault...

I am sitting here reading Jenny McCarthy's book Mother Warriors. God it is like she is describing everything I am feeling right now. Just like Jenny I do not know who my son is. all his quirks are Autism quirks not Bubba Quirks. His obsession with trains, lining up his toys, outbursts when he is upset, even the way he talks, walks and moves is all Autism. And while my mommy instinct KNEW something was wrong, I was not mentally prepared for that diagnosis. I mean I thought I was but I was wrong. This Autism diagnosis has for some stupid reason hit me harder that MacKenzie's diagnosis. Maybe because I saw his coming and I feel responsible..

I Keep looking at Caden and telling him I am sorry. I did this to him. I made him the way he is. I keep thinking about all the what ifs. What if I did not have him early? What if he had reached term would he still have had a compromised immune system? What if I had not given him his vaccinations or even what if I had just delayed them for a bit? Would he still be Broken?

Tonight while tucking the boys in I promised Corbin I would not make the same mistakes I had with Caden. I promised him I would do all I can to make sure he does not get Autism too. I also promised Caden that I would fix him.. Somehow I WILL fix him. Just how I am going to keep all those promises I am not sure but I Will do it.

I get depressed when I think that somehow I could have prevented this, I mean I know in my heart that I am responsible for his Autism and now I have to do everything in my power to fix it. We are going Gluten-free, I hope this will help both him and Brianna, This is our Chemo. I have very high hopes that this will help them come out of their Autism.

Don't send me comments on how his vaccines did not cause his autism. They did. Plain and simple. The way I see it, some people are Asthmatic. They most likely are their whole life but you never know till you hit that one thing that triggers an attack. Then because of that one attack their body is on the defensive, maybe something That never triggered an attack before will now trigger one because the first trigger made a weak spot in their immune system. I truly believe that some people have that Autistic possibility or pre-disposition and something triggers it to go off, therefore causing the autism. I truly believe for many kids that trigger is the vaccines. I truly believe that Caden and Brianna having already compromised immune systems Autism was triggered by their vaccines and there is not a soul on this planet that could ever convince me otherwise. Am I saying no children should get vaccinated? No. But there has to be a better way of doing it so we do not trigger anymore kids. Why can we not have a delayed schedule for vaccines? It is honestly going to hurt them to wait til they are a year old to start shots? Give their bodies a little time to build up their own immune systems before inundating them with all these foreign bodies..

So Is it my Fault? Yes. I should have followed my mother's instinct and not been pressured or bullied by my pediatrician and the pharmaceutical companies. I am glad my Mother's instinct has so far protected Corbin. I am proud to say he is over 7 months old and has never gotten one shot. And guess what neither had I till I was 18 years old. Corbin has also never been sick. Yes he has a bout of thrush from nursing and a bit of a runny nose for a few days but never a fever or any other sickness. Coincidence? I think not..