Intubated....AGAIN!

Yesterday at 11:15am I called to check on my Angel and was told she was doing great. She had a bath and handled it very well. Her weight was still 2 lbs 5 ozs and was on 35% O2. Imagine my suprise to walk in at 4:45pm and find her Bubbles gone and not for the better. Soli had to be reintubated yesterday. They are not sure what is wrong. They suspect an infection and have started antibiotics. Preliminary bloodwork says no infection. Best case senerio is that she has refluxed and asperated some milk into her lungs. Luckily when she started going downhill the dr was there assessing her and made the decision to intubate her rather quickly. She seems to be doing better right now that she is back on the vent. She is getiing 60 Breaths per minute by the vent and is on 60% or higher O2 and as of last night she was making no attempts to iniciate her own breaths. She was allowing to machine to do it all for her. I knew something was wrong, there was no fight in her. They moved her across the room because theyhad a transpot coming in. Talk about holding my breath! I held mine the entire move because they had to disconnect the Vent and manually bag her for the move.

Morning update: Soli has been weaned a bit on the vent settings and is at 50% O2. She is tolorating her feeds which are at 22.5ml every 3 hours by NG tube. The good news is that thru all of this she has gained 6 OZS in the past 24 hours! Little Miss Soli is 2 lbs 11 ozs! Yea she shocked her nurse too (who weighed her several times to make sure it was not a mistake.)

This is shocking to me as I seemed to have fallen into a false sence of security in the past week. Everything was going great and we were looking at coming off the bubbles. This is not what we had in mind when we said she would come off the bubbles. So a step back yesterday and another realization of how fragile she is and how quickly things can change.

More and more I feel as though I am supposed to submit and tell God that I give her up to him and trust in him that he knows what is right. But the truth is I am afraid. I am afraid that if I tell him that she is his that he will take her from us. But I am afraid at the same time that if I do not he will take her for not giving her to him and trusting his will. I guess in a way I feel I am in a no-win situation. So instead I keep praying asking him to tell me what he wants me to do. I think I know but am not listening because it is not what I want to hear.

I am lost. My inbox send me the should be happy you are X weeks pregnant. It tells me all the things that should be going on with me and my baby. I used to have 3 of them coming to my inbox and I changed one of them one day to reflect her birth. Yesterday I got the Your child is 5 weeks old email. It tells me all the things my 5 week old should be doing. I am stuck, not sure where I belong. I am supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant yet I am the mother of a 5 week old. There should be a mix one for parents of preemies because the pregnancy one only throws in my face what my body should be doing and the 5 weeks one only shows me what I am missing not having a "normal" baby. GAAAD I should just unsubscribe to all of them....