Friday, May 16, 2008

Blast from the past

Hello everyone! OK I thought I would start this blogging thing. I mean I kinda do it on Myspace but this could be fun. I am going to start by posting some Random Ramblings from the past. Oh yea I guess if you do not know it already, My name is Danielle I am 31 and married to my Soldier, My Hero, My husband Tom who is 48. I have 3 Step Daughters, Meghan 19, Brianna 12 and Allyson 9. I have 4 Daughters, Cheryl 10, MacKenzie 8, Riley 5 and Kassiah 3 1/2 and 2 Sons, Caden almost 3 and Corbin who is 12 weeks old. Well here are my Random Ramblings from the past 2 years.... Happy Reading!

February 9, 2007 - Friday
Welcome to Holland
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
My husband gave me this essay in a frame when I became the mother of both his and my own special needs kids. His, Brianna is 11 and has Down's Syndrome and Autism and mine, Mackenzie is 7 and has Pfeiffers Syndrome. While this deployment has detoured us a bit, I cannot wait until May when I get my husband and the rest of my kids back. This essay has more than once reminded me to stop worrying and enjoy "Holland".
WELCOME TO HOLLANDby Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
" Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ...about Holland.

November 17, 2006 - Friday
My baby
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life
Seven Years ago today I woke up not knowing that by the end of the day my life would be changed forever. When I woke up I did not know that by the end of the night I would be on the ride of my life. One that would test everything I ever knew or believed. One that would crush my world and give me more pain that I would ever know. A ride that was so intense at times I did not know if I could handle it. But at the same time a ride so unforgetable, so full of love, sadness, joy, fear, anger and peace.

7 years ago today I gave birth to MacKenzie Alexandra Madeline. Who knew one tiny little baby could bring such a flood of emotions. Could destroy one life, one reality but in it's ruins create a new life a million times better than I could have ever imagined!

Over 10 hospital stays, Countless doctors visits, many sleepless nights, lots of worry and 17 surgeries later I could never imagine my life without her. Here is a poem I wrote on night while sitting next to her bed in NICU after I think it was her first or second surgery.

This Precious little package just arrived for me today,The Lord said to take good care of it and love it everyday.He said the package is not perfect, it has a few small breaks,A little love and tenderness is all it really takes. Most would look at this small package and ask why must I bear thisweight?They would claim the care this package need and the stress is just toogreat.Just nurture it and help it become all that it can be,Protect it with all of your heart and soon you too will see.Soon the days will turn to years Oh how the time will soar, Despite it's imperfections you will love it more and more. That Precious little gift that God did give to me that day,Is sleeping soundly in her bed, I thank God for her each day

Alot has happened so far in her short 7 years. But thanks to her I have found my strength, learned love and compassion and acceptance. Also because of her I have found a man with as big a heart as her to love us all.. Thank you Mac, you are my miracle!

November 2, 2006 - Thursday
He did it again!
Current mood: depressed
He turned and walked away from us again! Somehow I thought this time would be easier. Knowing we were on the downhill. It wasn't any easier this time. In fact it was just as hard. Maybe even a little harder. The girls knew what was going to happen. The first time they were happily oblivious to what was going to happen, how their lives were going to change forever. This time they knew all too well what the plane meant. I just got past the point of crying every night and got into a pattern to keep us busy and on the go and not always needing or wanting him. I mean I always want him but finally feeling as though I would make it without him. Now I am in the dark again. I can't see the light once again and I do not know where I am supposed to go. I have a sense of which direction I am supposed to go but am having a hard time making myself go there. When will it end? Ha ha I laugh at myself asking that. End.. There is no end in sight. My husband and countless other Americans are missing their families and dying all fighting Bush's personal agenda. Fuck Bush! He can come and kiss my ass! i have an Idea, let's send bush and his kids over there in a uniform and make them fight. How fast do you think our troops would pull out if that happened!! On second thought, I wouldn't want to allow him the opportunity to disgrace the uniform.

October 10, 2006 - Tuesday
OH where do I even start?!
Current mood: aggravated
I have learned alot in the past few days. Alot of hard, hurtful lessons. I failed my kids. My one job is to keep them from harm yet in a way, I did not do that. Infact I allowed them to be exposed in their own home. So hard to explain since I really can't tell what happened. Nothing bad, well yea it was bad but not like any way that ay be running thru your mind. A person who was important to them is now gone and I am so angry! And here I am, left to pick up the broken pieces and try to fit them back together. How do I explain betrail to a 3 year old? Let alone to a 2 and 1 year old. it is hard enought to explain to a 7 and 9 year old! All they know is that once again someone they cared about chose something else over them. So who is really hurt? Not the person taken from or the loss of a friend but the innocence of the kids who just want to love and be loved back. The few people that take you for who/what you are and have total trust. Now I have to try to explain that sometimes it is not good to trust and to be careful who you trust. They will not understand, I know. But hopefully I can put them back together again. Cheryl knows but does not understand why someone would make the wrong choice knowing so much was at stake. Hell I don't even know why! I don't know what to say or what to do.
I will however never trust so openly ever again! I dismissed the first time and allowed myself to trust, hell I even did it the second time. But now....I'm done. I am sorry. Sorry to Aunt Mel, Emily, Uncle Mike, and most of all my kids! I won't fail you guys again. I promise!!
On a positive note, My life will be complete once again (at least for a short while) in 3 days. The shining star in my dark sky right now...(that and 5 other small glimmers)

October 1, 2006 - Sunday
Confused....What is wrong with me?
Current mood: confused
I am so confused. I am so excited to see Tom when he comes home on leave! I can hardly stand it. But I am Nervous. He has never lived here with us. I want everything to be perfect and I am so afraid something will go wrong. I have turned in to warrior woman trying to keep the house clean since my Terra came over and helped me clean everything. (Thanks Babe!! You know I Love Ya!!) I am so afraid I am going to fall behind.
I am so excited to see him. But at the same time I am not. I mean It is so hard to explain. I want to see him but I am scared. We have just gotten settled. I am finally to the point where I am not crying myself to sleep everynight and I can go into my room and sit and relax in the evening (2 am). I can walk by his robe hanging in the bathroom and I do not have to stop and smell it everytime.. I still have moments of depression but they are less especially with my friends (especially Terra) around me and keeping the kids busy with playgroup. I am ok the way we are right now. Is that wrong?
I want him to come home but then I don't. It is almost like it will be an interruption and I do not know If I can handle watching him walk away from me again! All the feelings, the depression, the kids acting out, everything I have taken the past 6 months to settle will be disrupted. I know it is wrong to feel like this but I cannot help it. I should just be happy he is coming home and we get to see him again. What is wrong with me?

August 10, 2006 - Thursday
What am I? Who am I??
Current mood: discontent
It nearly 2 am. I jumped in the shower to try to wash away the day. I sat down in the shower and let the water trickle down landing maticulasly on my head and flowing down my back and body and began to wonder. What am I? Who am I? I mean I know what my name is and all but WHO am I? What do I stand for. WHAT am I? A mother, A daughter, A niece, A wife, A friend? But what defines me? What makes Danielle, Danielle? Know what? I couldn't figure it out. A mother? Not a very good one if you ask me otherwise my 3 year old daughter would not be sitting next to me at this hour watching me type. A wife? Not much of one of those either. I am mad at him for going. I am not interested in what he wanted to do just what I need (or think I need) from him. A niece? Fucked that one up too. A friend? If your a toon maybe. I can defeat cog buildings in a single bound! Who am I? Do I really stand for anything? Does anyone care if I do? I have figured out that I buy things to make up for whatever is lacking in my life, companionship, care, feeling wanted, all can be solved by a shopping spree! AIN'T LIFE GRAND?!
Am I defined by the car I drive, the house I live in, my husband's status, the job I have, the mother I am, my child's medical or social status, who I hang out with? I realized tonight Chloe is what I wish I could still be a kid. Hanging with my friends, no real responsibilities just being 21 and enjoying life. I have not truly enjoyed my life in a long time. 6 months ago if I knew where I would be, I would have made different choices, I would not have moved here. What if I had made different choices 4 years ago and never taken that trip to Susanville or gone to SRP that August? Where would I be? Who would I be? Would I be happy? I do know one thing I am not happy now. I feel like nothing. I do not have a job, I have no money. I am not proud of much except my kids. I do not feel worth anything, How do I find the answers to my questions? When my grandkids come up to me and ask me what I did in my lifetime, what will I tell them? I sat on my ass depressed for much of my life. Tom has the Army stories and the "I went to Iraq" t-shirt. I have nothing. What am I going to say? I got some really cool pants at the thrift store for $2! ? WOW, Way to go Grandma! So I guess I will keep searching for me and hopefully I will find me soon, before there is no me left worth finding.

Nights suck and sleep is over-rated
Current mood: depressed
Sleep is over-rated. Why am I saying this? Because I never sleep anymore/ It is hard enough to get through each day but to go to our room and get in our bed alone.... So I wait till I am so tired I can hardly make it to the bed. Lately that is later and later. Most nights it is about 1 or 2am and then Caden wakes up around 3-4 and I get up around 7-8.
I have no life. I am not talking to much of my family and none of Tom's family and I am spending all of our money to live "near everyone that can help me while Tom is gone." Who was I kidding. My family does not want to be around my kids and I won't go near Tom's parents with a 10 mile pole. I have noone to share with, no way to get out and I feel so alone. Again. Meghan blames me for everything. The only person I have right now is Chloe. But at times I feel as though I am asking too much from her.
I have not spoken to my aunt since she ignored me in LA and walked right past me without even saying hi. I am so hurt. My kids are not good enought for their presence but Casey's boyfriend's kid is. Everyone keeps telling me what I need to do. You need to get Riley under control, you need to make rilry stop, But noone can tell me productive ways to do that. I am so tired of people criticizing me but offering no help.
Everytime I talk to Tom he tells me all the stuff I NEED to do but I am only one person and I cannot do it all. Noone seems to get that. Money is non existant after the bills are paid and I hate feeling useless. I went to the Navy recruiter the other day. Yep I am re-joining. I need a life other than this one because this one is going to kill me. I want to go. When Tom gets home I want to leave California. Where we go I don't caare I just want to get away from everything and everyone. Since He can Retire And I can go active duty I want to go where ever they want to send me. I would like to be a RDC so I am going to check into it. I will be going back in as a PO3. We will see. Well I am going to force myself to bed. Ry and I need to sleep and she will not sleep without me. So we are off for tonight. I need to drag my ass to playgroup tomorrow.

July 18, 2006 - Tuesday
Productive for once??
Current mood: blah
OK so This is what I did today....
Cleaned the kitchen floors (sweep and mop), Cleaned the tv room ( Including mopping), Changed the sheets and bedding on Caden and Sysy's beds, I paid the insurance, changed the car insurance, Cleaned out and vaccumed the minivan, Got the oil changed in the minivan, Got the power turned back on at the other house, called the real estate agent to list the house, Paid the electric at the other house, cleaned most of the livingroom, watered the back lawn (Yea 2 days in a row!!) I also talked to someone who may want to buy the house!! But want to know what? I still feel like I did nothing! AARRRGGGG! Oh well tomorrow is another day I guess. Well I am going to bed... Night all.

Does anyone actually truly "get it"....
Current mood: indifferent
I really don't think so. Today was a ho-hum kinda day. I did get some stuff done. I put some things away in the shed, Mowed and watered the back yard, did 4 loads of laundry, 2 of dishes, cleaned up the box of cereal all over the floor (thanks to ry and sy), put the seats in the bus and cleaned the garage. (well most of it anyhow). Still I feel as though I got nothing done. And it looks like it too. Oh well tomorrow's another day and hopefully I can get the hall cleaned out and the laundry all folded and put away. Someday I will finish unpacking my bedroom. I also cleaned all the kitchen except washing the floor (I swept) and the kitchen table. It is a never ending vicious cycle. I have to bomb the garage because of the stupid cats (anyone want one? there are 3 babies and mom left.) One victory today, Ry went to bed with little fight tonight. Yea! Score one for mommy! Well I guess I should get to bed. Night.

July 15, 2006 - Saturday
On the upswing???
Current mood: blah Category: Life
This song really says what I can't. Today was a bit better spent it trying to fix my computer. Damn HP! Cheryl has been gone for 3 days with Syd and It has for the most part been very quiet. Riley is a little shit though. Sy is getting mean. Everyone is having issues with Tom being gone. I just want life to go on. I want to be normal. Is there really such a thing as normal? What exactally is normal? I need to clean my house. I can't move in my room since I bought new furnature for Tom and me. I did clean my kitchen tonight. I have also cleaned up the kids tv room. Caden, sy and ry's room is 98% done. Tomorrow I have to flea bomb the house (damn cats!) and the room of the day is the bathrooms (both of them) and the livingroom. Sunday is clothes folding. Anyone wanna come help? I need to declutter my life. That means getting rid of alot of material things. My garage is on the to do list for this month. I seriously need help with that one!! It isn't so bad if I could just get motivated! Motivate me and pull me from this funk! I am slowly scraping myself off that steel wall and God help me I am gonna start again. I know I have friends who will help scrape me off the wall, put me back in my car and send me toward the finish line once again. Thanks. Thanks for being there and sticking it out and just calling or IMing just to say hi. Oh and ToonTown helps alot. Die Cogs!! Thanks Aunt Mel. Tune me up auntie, I'M DYING!!!"" LOL

July 13, 2006 - Thursday
He makes me cry...
Current mood: depressed Category: Life
I got a package in the mail today. It wasn't for me it was birthday presents from Tom for BeBreeze and Meghan. I stared at his writing on the package and started to cry. Yea I get to talk to him on the phone, but this was different. Personal. I don't know how to explain it. It was his writing, his barely legable chicken scratch. It has been nearly 4 months since I have seen his writing. He never sends cards or snail mail letter, hell I can hardly get him to write more than 5 words in an email. He does not realize that I need to see the words not just hear them. Tonight is another bad night though I am trying not to let myself get even more down than I already am. It's hard. I do so good for so long then I run headfirst, full speed into a steel wall. and then I'm back at square one with more scrapes and bruises than I can count so I can do it all over again. Will the wall ever break? Or will it get me in the end?. I wonder this all the time. I am strong but when faced against a steal wall, I am not sure I can win. And if I do, what will all the times I crashed have done to me? What will the collisions have done to the me inside? If the me on the outside survives, does that mean the me inside will have survived too? Or Maybe the me inside will survive but the me on the outside will be too broken up to go on. This deployment can't go fast enough. God 18 months seems like forever. I hope the me (inside and out) survives the multiple collisions it will have to endure for the next 12 months.

July 12, 2006 - Wednesday
A Hard Night
Current mood: depressed Category: Life
Tonight is a hard night. It is the first time in a long time that I have allowed myself to have down time. I have been so busy with the kids that I go all day and do not really have time to miss him. Tonight, I have nothing better to do. Cheryl is at syds and the others are in bed and so it is just me here in the livingroom alone. I should go to bed but then I think, Why? It just makes me realize I am once again going to bed alone, without him next to me where he should be. I know time is passing. Somedays it goes by fast and other days it cannot go by fast enough. I thought I was havingmore up days than down days but then I come across a night like tonight. Noone to talk to and missing him so much. It is not as though I do not have anything to do, God knows I have plenty but I cannot motivate myself to do them. I did put away clothes and cleaned cade and sy's room today but I still feel like I did nothing. Ry is testing my every being and Caden is being VERY clingy lately. I have given into the fact that I have lost some of my kids and I think That is making me put more importance on the one's still here. I saw a little girl with Down's at McDonalds the other day and I just stood there staring at her and I cried. I tried not to let the kids see me. But I missed Brianna so much at that very moment. I just want my life back. Not this deployment hell, my real life. You cannot understand how much I want to fight in person with Tom, to have to pick his clothes off the floor to have him yell at the kids and complain about the house and to be told no I cannot drive the truck. I want to see his uniform hanging in my closet ans his boots set neatly in a row at the bottom of my closet. I want his compulsive OCD tendencies to drive me crazy. Ry laid in bed last night talking to herself and was telling herself she wanted her daddy and her mommy in this house and that her daddy needed to come home. She also won't relinquish the phone when she talks to him. She tells him he needs to come home. I agree but am so tired of hoping to see him walk thru the door anytime soon. Oh well another day down I guess.

April 26, 2006 - Wednesday
Moving is hard!
Category: Life
Wow, I forgot how difficult it is to move! I am having nightmares about boxes taking over my life anf then I wake up in a cold sweat and realize it was not just a dream! I have been emptying about 10-15 boxes a day (including wardrobe boxes) and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. The girls have started cheerleading and are having fun but I think uniforms are going to kill me, They are $400 each!! I am doing a fundraiser with gold canyon candles and if anyone wants some, let me know.
Well on a great note, Tom is coming home Thursday for a few days. I am so excited! I miss him so much. I guess I can say that the days have gotten easier. I have been keeping myself busy with the move and the kids. It will be great to have him home again but it will be hard to say goodbye all over again. He really truly is my better half.
Riley was in the van yesterday and she got really excited. She kept saying "mommy there's a plane. Did you see the plane mommy?!" then she said "I love planes mommy." I asked her why she loved seeing planes and she got a sad look on her face and bent down her head and said "because they have my daddy on them." She thinks her daddy is still on the plane. She will be so happy to see him too. She has really been acting out lately, I think it is partly because he is gone, and partly because Ally and Meg are gone and partly because of the move. So much has changed in so little time for the kids. Cheryl and Mac see to be adjusting well. They are into cheerleading now and are having a blast! I think I am going to get Ry into gymnastics or karate or something to give her a positive outlet for her energy and frustrations. Well it is late and technically Wednesday now and I have to get to sleep so I can get the girls to school in the morning and then I have to finish the house so it is good when Tom gets home tomorrow. I have so much to do..

February 26, 2006 - Sunday
Current mood: anxious
Well all of this is coming to something. What the next 18 months has in store for me I do not know. I do know however, I will be doing it alone. I have so many different feeling going thru my body at one time, I don't know just how to sort them all out.
I am facing deployment from a different view point. That not of a soldier's but as a soldier's wife. This is far harder than any deployment I could go on. It is not easy going from the one who is doing to the one who is waiting for the job to be done. I laid in bed the other night just watching him sleep. I touched his face and wanted to be able to remember the creases in his face. His smile. I breathed in his scent and memorized his touch. I pray I do not forget these things. As one forgets the small things they once held so dear.
I fear. I have feared like this only a few times before. With Mac. I am afraid my son won't know his daddy when he returns, I fear that I will somehow be changed, turned bitter from the months of doing it on my own. I fear his love will fade. I fear our children will miss out on something important because he is gone. I fear he may not come back. Most of all I fear he will not come home. I fear because I can do nothing but sit and wait. I cannot protect him from harm. I cannot comfort him when he is in need. I will be but a face on the computer screen. He will miss so much. Birthdays, first steps, first words, holidays and all for what? To say he was there.
I am angry. I am angry at his command for making him unhappy. I am angry with him for leaving. I am angry for him wanting to go. But on the other hand I can understand his NEED to go. But it does not mean I agree with his decision. I guess that is the perk of being the spouse you can disagree and let it be known. So for now that is what I am. the supporting voice behind a computer screen 4000 miles away missing every moment of his time away and longing for the day I will see him climb down out of a plane to come home, for good.

February 27, 2006 - Monday
He is a soldier
I have a new respect for those who leave their families to defend our country. Being on the other side of deployment I am struggling every day. I want to be strong, I feel I need to be strong for the girls but then when they are asleep I lose it. I try to never let anyone see me cry but I am not sure how I am going to hold it together the last time I kiss him goodbye. The last breath of him I take in. Will it be enough to last me till he comes home? I am so afraid that I will forget something that I am most likely overlooking some other important things.
The girls are unaware that Daddy is going to be gone for so long. Will He lose the connection he has with Kassiah? She is such a daddy's girl. I am worried that she will be overlooked or lost in the confusion. Caden has not even had a chance to get to know his daddy. Will he accept him when he comes home? Riley breaks your heart when she lays in bed crying because she wants her daddy and he is not even gone yet.
Meghan is going to graduate high school with out her mom or her dad and though I said me and the girls will be there, to her that does not matter, I am not important to her that way, or in any way. I want the best for her and because I know how smart she is I hold her to a higher standard than her friends. She can do so much but is so afraid of change. This I fear will hold her back.
Coming home... That just seems so far away. I cannot imagine it yet. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. As far as I can see there is just darkness. I am holding so much resentment for our president, for the Army for the world that I cannot imagine this ending and turning out ok. I am worried that the girls will not recover from this deployment.
I am afraid of who he'll be when he gets back, I am afraid of who I'll be. What will 18 months of doing it on my own do to me? Will I be bitter or weak? What will months of fighting and death and fear in that place do to my husband. I know he will not be the same when he returns and that frankly scares the hell out of me. Once he returns will he ever sleep peacefully again?
I long to see him come home and feel his arms around me and know he is here to stay. But I have to let go first. I have to let him do his job. He is a soldier.

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