Thursday, April 23, 2009

Slightly Depressed

Orange for Stellan (a bit late but still)

We had another Pediatrician appointment today. Soli has not gained even an ounce since Tuesday. So I requested her NG tube be put back in. We see the GI dr tomorrow. I am so scared he is going to label her FFT (Failure to Thrive) She is only 6 lbs 11 ozs and her adjusted age is 1 month today.

NEWSFLASH: I am not supermom. I do not know it all. I am scared.

I cannot do any of the "normal" baby things with her. I want to pick her up and walk around with her but I can't in fact I cant hold her well at all between the O2 the pulse ox monitor and the NG tube. Forget about walking around with her. Every time I try to feed her she gags and acts like she is going to throw up. She is not gaining weight so I know I must be doing something wrong. I so not like it when I am not in charge. I do not like when things are out of my control. I HATE not knowing how to "make it better." I am stressed out about her eating and then stressed out about pumping too. I am so near quitting and just giving formula I mean obviously my milk must not be very good if she is not getting bigger on it. Maybe she would do better on formula. Maybe I would be less stressed about having to produce enough for her. But then it is exactly what I did not want to do. I wanted to nurse her for at least the first year and maybe more. But nothing is going according to plan is it? Thing is, This IS God's plan. Now I have to discover why? So If someone could clue me in so we can get past this then I am all ears...
Here are a few shirts I had made for Soli.... Oh and me!


Brenda Hess said...

Dani- I have read your posts on here for months. I can tell how frustrated you are right now but just know that you are still an inspiration for the many of us who log on just to see how your week is going.

I wish I could tell you exactly what God is trying to teach you in all of this. One thing I can see from the outside is that you have to give up the control. Oh... as a mom that is the hardest thing ever. We want to be in control of everything and everyone. Slide over and let God drive for awhile. He knows where the road is leading you and is a much better driver. My situation is vastly different than yours, however, my longing to control the health and well being of each of my children is the same as yours. I hope we each find the way to just let go and let God do the worrying.

You are an inspiration Dani! Soli (and your others)is blessed to have such a faithful mother! I will keep you all in my prayers. I just pray that God gives you an extra blessing and lifts your spirits.

Brenda said...

Dani, its not your fault. It sounds like Soli is having reflux issues and breastmilk IS still the best thing for her. It will continue to provide her with the antibodies she was not born with. I just wanted to offer you some hugs and tell you not to give up. Soli is bound to have a setbacks here and there throughout the first few years of her life. My 19 month old 32 weeker is still having preemie issues raising their ugly heads!!

I will keep praying for you and your family. We are here for you if you need to vent. Hang in there, one day you will be watching Soli play with her calssmates with tears in your eyes as you recall all she has gone through... all that you have helped her overcome. Dont lose your confidence, your doing a wonderful job. :)

Please email me if you ever want to talk or vent.

hugs and prayers sent y our way.

Jennifer and Mick said...

Dani I am sorry you are so frustrated, my heart goes out to all mothers that work so hard with their premies. Did they ever fortify Soli's breastmilk in the NICU with HMF (human milk fortifier)? I am not sure if they ever send infants home on HMF but it does increase the calories to 22 24cal/oz etc instead of 20cal/oz which may help her gain wt. Not sure if this would be an option but you might bring it up to your pediatrician? Also, it is also an option to ad formula powder to the breastmilk to increase the calories as well. Again bring it up with your ped. Ill keep my fingers crossed for her that she starts gaining!

Amy said...

Can you send me the link to where you got those shirts? Gracie SO needs one!

Amanda said...

Dani, your comment on my blog post made my morning today. I was so touched that with as much as you have going on in your life, you not only took the time to read my long late night tired ramblings, but to take the time to comment to send me comfort and understanding from a mom who really has been there done that.

This post tugs at my heart. As I mentioned in my last blog, Cadence vomits regardless of what we feed her. We've tried everything but rice milk, goats milk, the super expensive fancy pre-digested or no protein stuff, or gluten free. No idea what the GI doc will suggest tomorrow. I had a really bad milk supply when Cadence was in the NICU. I mean like I would pump 4 hours a day, round the clock sessions and barely get 12 ounces out. I finally gave up as it was stressing me out more than it was beneficial once she was out of the hospital. Then when nothing was making her reflux better, I relactated in a desperate attempt to make things better. Probably more of a pride thing than anything else. I wanted to do something that I could contribute, help, and control that might make things better. It didn't. She still threw up constantly. But I'll tell you, it was worth every 2 am pumping session to be able to feed her exclusively breast milk when she had open heart surgery last September. It might not have helped the vomiting, but it was so wonderful for my peace of mind to know that the breast milk was easier for her tummy to digest while her body recovered from surgery and that she had all those extra immunities in the PICU. And if felt like I was doing something for my baby in a situation that was otherwise helpless. I can't imagine trying to pump (I don't know if you can nurse or not) with all that you have going on. If it's not something you can continue, than stop and have peace that you did your best. Really, any amount of breast milk is an awesome gift. If you want to keep going, then that is awesome too. I had great success with Domperidone. Yes, it's illegal to get in this country for the purpose of increasing breast milk. But man did it work well. Also, Power Pumping helped me too. I was making 25 ounces a day by the time I weaned, more than twice what I ever made even after giving birth with all those natural hormones flowing.

I wish I had better advice for you. But I will pass this along, never quit on a bad day. You'll always regret it. If you do decide to wean, make the decision on a good day so you know you are in a good frame of mind. (If I'm too late, sorry!) email me if you have any questions- I know way too much about increasing milk supply for preemies by pumping. Or if you just want to vent, I'll be happy to listen.

Praying for peace and comfort. Thanks again!