Monday, March 23, 2009

Do you ever feel like

Nothing is going right and all you want to do is cry? Yea I am having one of those days.
Today is Soli's due date and she weighs 6lbs 6 ozs. She is getting so big. Like I said in my last post, I am sad that we missed nearly 4 months of our pregnancy. I look at her and think in my mind that she is "full term" now and that had she been born when she was supposed to, that I would be able to snuggle my baby and take her places without all the wires and O2. I am sad that she still needs all of this medical equipment to survive. there is no more just running into the store. Each trip is a major undertaking with all the equipment.
Our Insurance is infuriating me. I do not understand why they have to make it so damn impossible for Soli to get the care she needs. Her discharge instructions said she is to see the pediatric Pulmnologist within 2 weeks of discharge. Tomorrow she will have been home for 2 weeks and now Tricare says that the Dr that she has been seeing all this time is not contracted and not only do they want us to see a new doctor, they want us to go to a whole different Hospital group. WTF?? What do they not understand about her being on O2 and needing a Doctor NOW?
So on top of being sad about my Due date I feel like a failure because of the insurance and frustrated with all the equipment and I'm tired. Tired of being worried all the time. I don't sleep well because I am afraid of something happening to Soli. Tom and I have been fighting for the past few days and I am sure that at some point even though he was in the wrong I will just have to deal with it WITHOUT an apology or anything being fixed.
I feel cramped and cluttered. And Overwhelmed by the clutter. I get no help with laundry, or any cleaning and I can't do it all alone and I do not understand why no one else can understand that. I mean I cannot even leave the room that Soli is in if there are not other adults there so that dramatically cuts down on the amount of housework I can get done. Any advise I am open. Remember we have 9 kids and 2 adults living in a 1700 sqft 4 bedroom house. Anyone wants to come help I am open there too.. I am so at the point where I just want to throw everything away!
Have I given my kids so much that they are truly the ungrateful brats they have been posing as? They all think the world is owed to them and that they have to do nothing in return. The mouth on my 11 year old! OMG! And Ry and Sy are getting just as bad. I don't spank my kids so any options other than that I will take into consideration. Suggest away.
I so wish I could take a nice LONG HOT bath but I have no tub and the $3000 we were going to use to get one put in had to be used to fix the van so no bath for me.
I am sure this all will pass soon but today has just been a sucky day and I had to tell someone..
Thanks for listening...


Brooke said...

Boy, do I ever! And I don't have HALF of the trials you have been faced with, Dani! A mommy's life is HARD even with just the basics. I hope you can find some help and rest and a nice warm bath! =o) Hang in there...

Anonymous said...

im not sure if you have thought about this or not but can Soli's O2fit under a stroller that reclines if so you would be able to push her from room to room so you could get things done around the house, its just a thought as far as your other kids I would start a chore chart and if they dont do there chores they dont get to go places or they get things taken away....on the other hand as as for rewards for doing chores offer things like an hour with mom or dad alone.....or set up 1 day a month for each kid to have a day with mom and/or dad alone and if they do all there chores for the month they get there day out with just mom and/or dad to do whatever they want to do. Hope this helps

Rednwild1616 (BZ BDC March08)

Lowcountry Mom said...

(((((hugs)))))) from someone who does understand. Both of my children were preemies, and their NICU experiences were much like Soli's. I've been following your blog, and am so glad she's home and doing well, etc.....but that doesn't make this time any easier for you, that's for sure. And my oldest has PDD-NOS, so I'm with you in that boat as well.

I really thought I was going to lose it during those first few months at home with each of my boys, when as you said---you can't go anywhere without a major undertaking of the O2, monitors, etc.

And as for what we missed out on in pregnancies....I'm not sure that the feeling of loss and grief ever goes away, at least not for me. I never reached the 30 week mark with either of mine, sadly. My oldest spent 45 days in the hospital, and my youngest was in for 78 days. Never really had to buy maternity clothes, never got to have those cute newborn pics taken by the hospital photographers, the list goes on and on and I think we're entirely in the right to feel frustrated, deprived, and to grieve the lost experiences we didn't have.

Anyway, this isn't about me, just wanted to reach out and say that there are people out here who do understand and are willing to listen, even when it seems like there's no one. ((((((hugs)))))) and I hope you are able to get more help at home asap--you certainly deserve it.

Jen from SC

heather said...

hugs mama! i hope today is going better for you! wish i could help out, but being on the other side of the country won't help much!

katiesmomma said...

id put her in a stroller reclined and tote the o2 around. So you can get things done. For the kids... i would start taking away provaliges, take away toys and games and ect. they should have to earn them back! give them chores to do all of them that are old enough , so they can see things arent as easy to clean as they are to mess up.

Jennifer C. Roberts said...

Hi Dani! I've been following your blog since you were pregnant with Soli. I am also a member of the Preemie board on BZ. I just have to tell you that I could have written your exact same post, myself! I do know how you feel! I may only have three kids, but I have an 11 year old an 8 year old who is starting to be just like him. I'm a single mom who works full time, is taking 11 credit hours this semester plus the kids and all their stuff...and little to no outisde help. Trust me...I know just how you feel and it is OK to feel this way. ((((HUGS))))