Pea is 9lbs 4ozs! And out of Surgery!

The Board I watched for an hour and a half, telling us Peanut is out of surgery and in PACU.

We stayed in recovery for about an hour and a half and got Angel some pain meds and then went up to our room on the 6th floor. Now she is restless but seems to be doing good.

Her heart rate is up a bit, respirations are a bit fast and her O2 sats are hovering in the low 90's but so far so good. I held it together pretty good until I got the call that surgery was over and she was going to recovery and then I realized I had spent the previous hour and a half barley breathing. For all those interested here is what her tummy looks like right now:

In about 6 weeks the tube will be removed and replaced with a Mic-Key button. Ok well she just got some more pain meds so I am going to rest for a bit. Getting up every 2 hours all night last night was not conducive to a good night's rest for mommy..

See you later peanut...

I've done it and unlike last time I am not crying.
Not because I am not nervous for her but because I know I am doing the right thing.
Hopefully she will not need the G-tube for a long amount of time, but right now it is the right choice.
Now we will be able to see her beautiful face without tape all over it.
Now she will look like a normal baby and the first impression strangers get will not be of a sick baby.
No longer will I be greeted by "Adorable baby what is wrong with her?"
She will no longer be defined by the yellow feeding tube that covered half her face.
Though not "Normal" (see this post about that word) she will at least for the most part APPEAR "Normal".

So now I sit here watching then little blue screen (BYW she is SI..A,S)that has now told me her surgery has begun and know that she is in God's hands and that he will take care of her.

45 hours

It is hard to believe that in the past almost 6 months we have gone from this:

To this:

From 25 ounces to 8 and a half pounds!

5 months and 5 days ago I was here:

Watching them wisk my daughter off for Heart Surgery.

Today I am holding her closer knowing that in 45 hours I will once again watch my daughter roll thru the doors marked Surgery and I will take a long deep breath as the doors shut behind her knowing I will not breathe again till I am by her side in recovery.

I think I am more scared about this smaller surgery than I was about her heart surgery. Maybe it's because I cannot picture my life without this little wonder. Because since I have been with her all this time I know what I would be missing if she was not here.

I have been so torn about this surgery. I want to do what is best for her and after much deliberation, I think this is it. I can only say I think because I do have some reservations though in the end the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

45 hours.

45 more hours to look at her perfect little body.

45 hours more to kiss her little face.

45 hours more before she is changed forever.

45 hours more to hold her close, snuggle her body and breathe in her scent before handing her over to strangers.

45 hours.

So far yet so close. So for the next 45 hours I am going to love on my daughter, not think of the what ifs, cherish every coo and movement, every smile and even her cry.

45 hours more that I am going to pray to God to keep her safe and pray to him for the peace that I am making the right choice for her.

Seeking Bits....?

I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. Anyone who knows me know I am not someone to give in or give up. When I set my mind to it I can do anything. Or at least that is what I thought. Before.... Before Soli.

Pastor Tim said this Sunday at Church "We seek bits of God rather than all that he is." He was talking about how Many, dare I say most, of us treat God as a vending machine. When we are thirsty we walk up to the vending machine, drop in our money and collect our drink. How many of us can honestly say we have not treated God like this before. Something goes wrong (we are thirsty) We ask God to help us or fix the problem (inserting our money) and expect that he will just grant our wish simply because he asked (getting our drink). And then just like a vending machine that "eats" our money we get irritated, angry, frustrated that we did not get our drink immediately so we bang the side of the machine, yell at the machine and curse the machine.
Sometimes we realize that we forgot a nickle or the quarter dropped out the bottom coin return slot and we once again place our money in seeking that drink. Expecting the immediate gratification.
Often we only come to God in times of need and forget to come to him in good times and often forget to give thanks forgetting that he granted the very things we last asked him for last time.
We do not give ourselves completely to God instead we seek bits of him. I know I do.

I have been having a really tough time with Soli the past week. She is on an NG tube and feeding pump since she was not gaining any weight. Well in the past 4 days she has refused to take a bottle at all. I feel like we are going backwards. When she does start sucking on a bottle she gets about 10ccs down the starts acting like she cannot breathe and like she is in pain.

So many times in the past 5+ months I have asked God to heal her (I put in my money) and I see Soli struggling with so much and it is so overwhelming at times and I just feel like kicking the machine. I have prayed and prayed and prayed yet my drink is not coming out. I know I have not totally given Soli up to God. I am afraid to tell you the truth that he might deem me unworthy and take her back. Why is it so easy to seek bits of God but so hard to accept him for all that he is. I know he knows what is in store for Soli and for all of us. Is this his way of getting me to surrender and to pay for the drink even when I am not thirsty so that when I am I will be able to quench my thirst.

I am trying so hard to attain the trust in God that MckMama has. Maybe that is why I have been drawn to her blog. To learn from her. To see the trust she has and give all of myself to him and to finally take him for all that he is.