Seeking Bits....?

I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. Anyone who knows me know I am not someone to give in or give up. When I set my mind to it I can do anything. Or at least that is what I thought. Before.... Before Soli.

Pastor Tim said this Sunday at Church "We seek bits of God rather than all that he is." He was talking about how Many, dare I say most, of us treat God as a vending machine. When we are thirsty we walk up to the vending machine, drop in our money and collect our drink. How many of us can honestly say we have not treated God like this before. Something goes wrong (we are thirsty) We ask God to help us or fix the problem (inserting our money) and expect that he will just grant our wish simply because he asked (getting our drink). And then just like a vending machine that "eats" our money we get irritated, angry, frustrated that we did not get our drink immediately so we bang the side of the machine, yell at the machine and curse the machine.
Sometimes we realize that we forgot a nickle or the quarter dropped out the bottom coin return slot and we once again place our money in seeking that drink. Expecting the immediate gratification.
Often we only come to God in times of need and forget to come to him in good times and often forget to give thanks forgetting that he granted the very things we last asked him for last time.
We do not give ourselves completely to God instead we seek bits of him. I know I do.

I have been having a really tough time with Soli the past week. She is on an NG tube and feeding pump since she was not gaining any weight. Well in the past 4 days she has refused to take a bottle at all. I feel like we are going backwards. When she does start sucking on a bottle she gets about 10ccs down the starts acting like she cannot breathe and like she is in pain.

So many times in the past 5+ months I have asked God to heal her (I put in my money) and I see Soli struggling with so much and it is so overwhelming at times and I just feel like kicking the machine. I have prayed and prayed and prayed yet my drink is not coming out. I know I have not totally given Soli up to God. I am afraid to tell you the truth that he might deem me unworthy and take her back. Why is it so easy to seek bits of God but so hard to accept him for all that he is. I know he knows what is in store for Soli and for all of us. Is this his way of getting me to surrender and to pay for the drink even when I am not thirsty so that when I am I will be able to quench my thirst.

I am trying so hard to attain the trust in God that MckMama has. Maybe that is why I have been drawn to her blog. To learn from her. To see the trust she has and give all of myself to him and to finally take him for all that he is.