Thursday, June 4, 2009

Not what I had planned.

How many time have you set out to do something and it just didn't quite turn out the way you planned? Or have you ever planned out every detail of something just for it not to go as you had planned?
Sometimes I think it's God's joke to give us the illusion that we have any say in what happens to us. That's all it really is. Planning anyhow. It's an illusion. We can plan for what we WANT to happen but honestly we have no true control over the ultimate outcome of anything.
When I was little all I want to do was grow up and be a mommy. I planned to have kids and lots of animals. Be well off, not rich but comfortable. I had all these plans as a little girl. Over the years plans changed as opportunities arose, but ultimately I got what I planned for.
Well....sort of.
It was not my plan to get married, get divorced, get re-married. It was not my plan to cart kids to non-custodial parents for visits.
It was not in my plan to have 10 kids. Nor was it in my plan to raise someone else's kids.
It was not in my plan to have disabled kids.
But the best laid plans can become not what was planned.
When I met Tom it was not in my plan to have 5 kids in 5 years.
It was not in my plan to deliver 2 kids in the same calender year.
It was not in my plan to deliver a 25 weeks 25 oz baby and it was not in my plan to spend a total of nearly 4 of her first 6 months in the hospital.
It was not in my plan to have endless medical appointment for my children.
It was not in my plan to have a section in my house where Medial supplies are stored.
It was not in my plan to hear the constant hum of an oxygen regulator in my home nor was it in my plan to have the ability to recognise an apnea monitor's wail from anywhere in the house.
It was not in MY plan.
But it was in God's.
At times I have a very hard time dealing with God's plan. I want it my way, according to my plan. Those who know me, know I am a very take charge kind of person. I am the kind of person who goes after what I want and I am very determined and usually prevail.
I am being humbled now. At least I would rather say humbled instead of broken down.
This whole "my life with Soli" part of my life reminds me of boot camp. In boot camp the RDC's job was to break you so they could then build you up the way they wanted to to be. Lately I have been feeling broken down, nothing is what I had planned for me or my family. I am thankful for Tom though I feel like at times we are being so stretched that we might break but he is there when it counts. I am thankful for my Internet and IRL (in real life) family and friends, my blog readers who give me someone to talk to.
I guess now I have to look to God and trust in him to build me back up.
Perhaps this is what was in his plan all along even though... It was not what I had planned.


Brooke said...

Hang in there, Dani. Sometimes it is so hard to remember to trust in Him and just let him have his way. This must be a turning point in our lives where we realize just how much work is needed in order to live HIS life. It's hard... but he does have a plan... Hang in there... I'm praying for you and your beautiful brood!

Terra said...

love you mama!

Brenda Hess said...

Thanks for inspiring me this morning and giving me a little perspective on life!

ABCDE=Party of 5 for ME! said...

Hey sweetie.... love ya babe! I'm not sure whats going on right now.... but you know God has everything under control ;)


Lowcountry Mom said...

Very well said. Everything about my parenting life, from the infertility to the preeclampsia, prematurity (x2), autism spectrum, ADHD, oxygen and apnea monitors, etc was different than what I'd had in mind or planned for. Thanks for reminding us about whose plan really matters, even when it's so different from our own. ((((((hugs)))))

sheree said...

good post, dani!

I too am just rolling with "the plan"...whatever that plan might be.


Reveda Prisha Umankshi Bhatt said...

God is there to take care of Soli.....She will be fine and with you the way you want her to be: Healthy and safe....just hang in there and have faith in HIM......HE is there for all of us.....

katiesmomma said...

You are an awesome mom ,and awesome strong moms can handle what you have been given! God bless you

JD said...

Looking back, it's the times that I've been the most broken that have blessed me the most. And I have been very, very broken, quite a few times. God uses every one of those broken pieces for His purpose, and no matter how difficult it is, excruciating at times, He redeems, He redeems beyond our wildest imaginations.

Praying right alongside of you!

Amanda said...

I'm a Type A Planner to the max person as well. I might live in clutter and chaos, but I live a "planned" life. Or I did until Cadence was born. No, this is not how I envisioned motherhood to be. I did not intend to change crib sheets daily and have more food come back up than actually stay down on far more days than I would prefer. I did not think I would have enough medical lingo in vocabulary that I would have to remind the ped every visit that I am not in the medical field, just learned from being thrown in the fire.I know what you mean about feeling broken down. I really truly do. And I only have one. Bless you for all that you do in a day. For all that love and care you shower on your brood. You are amazing, you are strong, you are loved and yes, you are humbled. And so am I. Thanks for this post.

Glad Soli's surgery went well. :)

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