Thursday, June 4, 2009
Not what I had planned.
How many time have you set out to do something and it just didn't quite turn out the way you planned? Or have you ever planned out every detail of something just for it not to go as you had planned?
Sometimes I think it's God's joke to give us the illusion that we have any say in what happens to us. That's all it really is. Planning anyhow. It's an illusion. We can plan for what we WANT to happen but honestly we have no true control over the ultimate outcome of anything.
When I was little all I want to do was grow up and be a mommy. I planned to have kids and lots of animals. Be well off, not rich but comfortable. I had all these plans as a little girl. Over the years plans changed as opportunities arose, but ultimately I got what I planned for.
It was not my plan to get married, get divorced, get re-married. It was not my plan to cart kids to non-custodial parents for visits.
It was not in my plan to have 10 kids. Nor was it in my plan to raise someone else's kids.
It was not in my plan to have disabled kids.
But the best laid plans can become not what was planned.
When I met Tom it was not in my plan to have 5 kids in 5 years.
It was not in my plan to deliver 2 kids in the same calender year.
It was not in my plan to deliver a 25 weeks 25 oz baby and it was not in my plan to spend a total of nearly 4 of her first 6 months in the hospital.
It was not in my plan to have endless medical appointment for my children.
It was not in my plan to have a section in my house where Medial supplies are stored.
It was not in my plan to hear the constant hum of an oxygen regulator in my home nor was it in my plan to have the ability to recognise an apnea monitor's wail from anywhere in the house.
It was not in MY plan.
But it was in God's.
At times I have a very hard time dealing with God's plan. I want it my way, according to my plan. Those who know me, know I am a very take charge kind of person. I am the kind of person who goes after what I want and I am very determined and usually prevail.
I am being humbled now. At least I would rather say humbled instead of broken down.
This whole "my life with Soli" part of my life reminds me of boot camp. In boot camp the RDC's job was to break you so they could then build you up the way they wanted to to be. Lately I have been feeling broken down, nothing is what I had planned for me or my family. I am thankful for Tom though I feel like at times we are being so stretched that we might break but he is there when it counts. I am thankful for my Internet and IRL (in real life) family and friends, my blog readers who give me someone to talk to.
I guess now I have to look to God and trust in him to build me back up.
Perhaps this is what was in his plan all along even though... It was not what I had planned.
Posted by Dani at 7:01 PM