Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Throwing in the Towel

Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel?
I for one, have days when I wish I could.
Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you just quit? I mean what would happen if you just walked away?
I have often wondered what it would be like to be the irresponsible parent. You know the one who is able to walk away and leave it all behind. I KNOW I could never really do that but I do wonder sometimes. I wonder what I would be doing right now if I was not cleaning house, cooking dinner, chasing kids, running to dr appointments, being a wife.
Would I be happier?
Would I know what I was missing or because I never had it, would I even care?
Where would I be?
Who would I be?
The saying "the grass is greener on the other side" applies here. I can think about all this and think of how my life would be somehow better but would it really?
I had a neighbor, whom my daughter CJ helps with shopping and cleaning, attempt to throw in the towel this week and I watched my 11 year old come home upset and confused. I have had to explain more about life in the past few days than I ever though I would have to explain to an 11 year old.
We always dream of it better but honestly I don't think it would be.
Different yes but not necessarily better.
As much as I have days like today and I am very close to throwing in the towel, I check on my kids (who after MUCH arguing and a day full of being annoying and not listening) who are asleep in their beds, I know that it is because of them that I will never actually thrown in the towel but I will use that towel to wipe the crap off my kitchen table!
I am still figuring out what my life is supposed to mean but I do know that I was supposed to be these children's mom for whatever reason and I have to do all I can to be the best I can for them.
As for the proverbial "towel" it is now piled with the mound of dirty clothes in the laundry room and someday I will get caught up and that towel will once again surface but for now at least my kitchen table is clean!


Deni said...

Hi Dani - I left you a comment in Mckdrama. I am "D". I just want you to know you have a listening ear anytime you need one. Feel free to stop by :)

Nikki B. said...

saw your post in a forum blog...you know the one. i've seen you on the blog frog, too.

i'm so sorry for all you're going through. i know it's rough. i know the rollercoaster and it's not fun.

i had a son who had a double organ transplant, lived in hospitals, round the clock meds, then, died at 11 months old.

i know the EXACT feeling you have.

i just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. i'm not a christian, or a prayer...but, i will def think about your family and send well wishes your way.

i have the utmost respect for you and all you do to keep your little one here. i do hope that she grows stronger and healthier every day.

i've read only a few of your posts/ comments...and you seem real to me. seems as though you only want one thing...for you daughter to be better. not cell phones, massages, 1 million hits, or hotel rooms. i like you, spent more nights than i could count on a pull out cot...WITH MY HUSBAND...while my son was in the hospital!! i wouldn't have slept anywhere else...no matter who was paying for it!!

okay...ridiculously long comment...off to read more about your little one!!

Anonymous said...

I saw your blog in the MckDrama blog.
Just want you to know I am praying for your amazing family.

Sarah said...

praying for you!!

Kelly said...

Can't believe some people! I'm here if you need me.

Dani said...

Thanks guys!

Anonymous said...

found your blog through the other blog-you know the one. You rock, girl! I will pray for your family. I live in Cali-northern Cali. Keep on being who you are!!