Tuesday, December 9, 2008

it was asked...

why someone would want to have an early baby so here is my answer..
A week or 2 I understand but having to leave 4 of my babies behind as I went home is devistating and it does not get easier just because I expect an early baby. I have been having nightmares about losing Soli every night for the past week and all I can do is pray that she is strong enough to make it when she does come. NOTHING in the world can prepair you for seeing your baby sustained by machines and the feelings of guilt you carry for not being able to protect them and carry them like you are supposed to. I know I am doing everything in my power to keep her safe but I know it is not my choice when she comes. All I can do is pray that she has the strength and the defiant will that the rest of her siblings seem to have. I do have my moments of weakness when I wish she would just come already so we can take care of her and not be living in such a constant of what ifs. Then I remember my other babies hooked up to all the machines and the feeling of helplessness when I have to ask permission to touch or comfort my own child. and I feel guilty for feeling so selfish so here I sit waiting for her and God's will.

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