Chaos and Cookies

If you know me you know I almost always live in a state of Chaos. I mean with 9 kids going 12 different directions (yes 12 and I am not sure how they accomplish that) it is a wonder anything gets done!
I will be the first to admit I am not perfect, My kids are not the perfectly well behaved little kids holding mommy's hand in the store not asking for a thing. Mine are usually the ones playing grab ass as my husband calls it, down the aisle. There is often a small child crying because someone touched them or they cannot have something. Many times more than one. My son is often looking like a lost tourist among the sea of racks and aisles.
Wherever we go we are noticed. Sometimes that is good (when the kids are half way behaving) and many times it is not.
There is no such thing as a quick run into the store. Each trip takes lots of time to prepare for.

My life seems at times, like when you are baking cookies. (My cookies come pre-made but let's just roll with this.) To bake cookies you have to get all the ingredients together, You have to measure out everything. You have to pre-heat the oven, mix, roll out, grease the pan, cut the cookies and then finally put them in to bake. You await the final buzz of the oven. In the meantime you smell the cookies baking and you imagine what it will be like when they are done. You look at your kitchen covered in dirty mixing bowls and cups and dusted with flour. It is a bit overwhelming when you are in the moment, but you know that in the end the cookies will be worth all the mess.

Right now my cookies (Kids) are in the oven (growing) and I am staring at my dirty kitchen (my daily chaos of a family of 11) But when the timer goes off, I know that the Cookies will be well worth the wait and the mess left behind.

Throwing in the Towel

Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel?

I for one, have days when I wish I could.

Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you just quit? I mean what would happen if you just walked away?

I have often wondered what it would be like to be the irresponsible parent. You know the one who is able to walk away and leave it all behind. I KNOW I could never really do that but I do wonder sometimes. I wonder what I would be doing right now if I was not cleaning house, cooking dinner, chasing kids, running to dr appointments, being a wife.

Would I be happier?

Sadder?

Would I know what I was missing or because I never had it, would I even care?

Where would I be?

Who would I be?

The saying "the grass is greener on the other side" applies here. I can think about all this and think of how my life would be somehow better but would it really?

I had a neighbor, whom my daughter CJ helps with shopping and cleaning, attempt to throw in the towel this week and I watched my 11 year old come home upset and confused. I have had to explain more about life in the past few days than I ever though I would have to explain to an 11 year old.

We always dream of it better but honestly I don't think it would be.

Different yes but not necessarily better.

As much as I have days like today and I am very close to throwing in the towel, I check on my kids (who after MUCH arguing and a day full of being annoying and not listening) who are asleep in their beds, I know that it is because of them that I will never actually thrown in the towel but I will use that towel to wipe the crap off my kitchen table!

I am still figuring out what my life is supposed to mean but I do know that I was supposed to be these children's mom for whatever reason and I have to do all I can to be the best I can for them.

As for the proverbial "towel" it is now piled with the mound of dirty clothes in the laundry room and someday I will get caught up and that towel will once again surface but for now at least my kitchen table is clean!

Ever wanna post to noone?

OK I was looking for a good sounding board.

Somewhere I could post anonymously about whatever was bugging me.

You know you always feel better when you say what is on your mind but many times you can't. SO I came up with this blog.

I am going to use it to complain about whatever is bugging me and I opened it up to anyone else who cares to do the same .

http://imanonymouslyme.blogspot.com/
It is a great place to let it all out.

Share your rants, raves and have your own Pity party.

Everyone needs to have one at some point and you know you feel better after you let it out.

Something Good from Something bad..

Visit my Blog just for HWWP. www.HiswillwednesdaysPrayers.blogspot.com

Lazy Sunday?

Soli and Lily Watching Riley graduate from Kindergarden

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do today. I am down 3 kids so I can take the minivan. Maybe the outlet mall or swimming. Except Soli can't go in the pool and it might be too hot to have her just sitting outside.

I do have good news though! Soli has been taking all her daytime feeds by bottle for the past 2 days! I don't worry too much what she takes during the day because I can make the calories up overnight on her continuous feeds. Yesterday she drank 4.5 bottles (she SHOULD take 5) so not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Her tummy the day before surgery (yes at 9 lbs she still fits in my bathroom sink!)

Here are some pictures of outdoor fun with daddy last weekend.. Unfortunately daddy has drill this weekend so we are on our own.

Prayers for April Rose a fake.

Last weekend and for the past few months I have been following the blog of a young mom named "B" and her little girl April Rose. Honestly the blog was well written and even though her daughter was not supposed to survive he faith in God and her strength were amazing! I prayed for this little girl daily! Last sunday I sat and pressed refresh a million times while little April Rose was being born and held my breath with each update. Until the pictures were posted... I noticed the babies in the college one were not the same baby and the baby looked fake, like a doll even. "B" was exposed as a fake and "B" was a woman named Beccah Rose Beushausen. Little April Rose? None other than a baby reborn doll.
Here are some pics of Beccah and April Rose.




This frustrates me so much but I will take from this that I did find some words of comfort in her posts and she did get my prayer requests for Soli out to more people than my blog would have so I will accept that is what all this was for. I am however glad that there is no dying baby named April Rose but for every fake April Rose there are 100 other really sick babies so keep praying folks.

Wordless Wednesday

Not what I had planned.

How many time have you set out to do something and it just didn't quite turn out the way you planned? Or have you ever planned out every detail of something just for it not to go as you had planned?

Sometimes I think it's God's joke to give us the illusion that we have any say in what happens to us. That's all it really is. Planning anyhow. It's an illusion. We can plan for what we WANT to happen but honestly we have no true control over the ultimate outcome of anything.

When I was little all I want to do was grow up and be a mommy. I planned to have kids and lots of animals. Be well off, not rich but comfortable. I had all these plans as a little girl. Over the years plans changed as opportunities arose, but ultimately I got what I planned for.

Well....sort of.

It was not my plan to get married, get divorced, get re-married. It was not my plan to cart kids to non-custodial parents for visits.

It was not in my plan to have 10 kids. Nor was it in my plan to raise someone else's kids.

It was not in my plan to have disabled kids.

But the best laid plans can become not what was planned.

When I met Tom it was not in my plan to have 5 kids in 5 years.

It was not in my plan to deliver 2 kids in the same calender year.

It was not in my plan to deliver a 25 weeks 25 oz baby and it was not in my plan to spend a total of nearly 4 of her first 6 months in the hospital.

It was not in my plan to have endless medical appointment for my children.

It was not in my plan to have a section in my house where Medial supplies are stored.

It was not in my plan to hear the constant hum of an oxygen regulator in my home nor was it in my plan to have the ability to recognise an apnea monitor's wail from anywhere in the house.

It was not in MY plan.

But it was in God's.

At times I have a very hard time dealing with God's plan. I want it my way, according to my plan. Those who know me, know I am a very take charge kind of person. I am the kind of person who goes after what I want and I am very determined and usually prevail.

I am being humbled now. At least I would rather say humbled instead of broken down.

This whole "my life with Soli" part of my life reminds me of boot camp. In boot camp the RDC's job was to break you so they could then build you up the way they wanted to to be. Lately I have been feeling broken down, nothing is what I had planned for me or my family. I am thankful for Tom though I feel like at times we are being so stretched that we might break but he is there when it counts. I am thankful for my Internet and IRL (in real life) family and friends, my blog readers who give me someone to talk to.

I guess now I have to look to God and trust in him to build me back up.

Perhaps this is what was in his plan all along even though... It was not what I had planned.

Pea is 9lbs 4ozs! And out of Surgery!

The Board I watched for an hour and a half, telling us Peanut is out of surgery and in PACU.

We stayed in recovery for about an hour and a half and got Angel some pain meds and then went up to our room on the 6th floor. Now she is restless but seems to be doing good.

Her heart rate is up a bit, respirations are a bit fast and her O2 sats are hovering in the low 90's but so far so good. I held it together pretty good until I got the call that surgery was over and she was going to recovery and then I realized I had spent the previous hour and a half barley breathing. For all those interested here is what her tummy looks like right now:

In about 6 weeks the tube will be removed and replaced with a Mic-Key button. Ok well she just got some more pain meds so I am going to rest for a bit. Getting up every 2 hours all night last night was not conducive to a good night's rest for mommy..

See you later peanut...

I've done it and unlike last time I am not crying.
Not because I am not nervous for her but because I know I am doing the right thing.
Hopefully she will not need the G-tube for a long amount of time, but right now it is the right choice.
Now we will be able to see her beautiful face without tape all over it.
Now she will look like a normal baby and the first impression strangers get will not be of a sick baby.
No longer will I be greeted by "Adorable baby what is wrong with her?"
She will no longer be defined by the yellow feeding tube that covered half her face.
Though not "Normal" (see this post about that word) she will at least for the most part APPEAR "Normal".

So now I sit here watching then little blue screen (BYW she is SI..A,S)that has now told me her surgery has begun and know that she is in God's hands and that he will take care of her.

Davine intervention? Karma? Revenge?

This morning I decided that I would go tie up some loose ends with the bus stickers and take the kids to the flea market.

Well anyone who has been to a flea market can tell you parking is less than ideal. Since I had Soli and the other little ones I decided I would just pull to the side of the aisle and wait for one of the handicapped spaces to open up. After 10 mins I saw someone come from the flea market and when they got to the car on the right of me I put my blinker on to signal I was going to park there. As I was waiting for this person to back out, a lady in a white car pulled up between me and the car backing up.

Surely this lady knew I was waiting for the spot and was not going to try to steal it right?

WRONG!

As I realized her intentions were to snipe my spot I honked and she looked at me. I told her I was waiting to park there and she shrugged her shoulders and shook her head and mouthed that she was going to park there. I politely mouthed back that I was waiting and she again shrugged her shoulders and then pulled into the spot.

I sat there dumbfounded as I watched her jump out of the car throw her kids in the stroller and run into the flea market. OMG I was pissed!! As I sat there trying to pick my jaw up off the car floor and take a few deep breaths, another spot 2 spaces over opened up and I parked.

I got the kids out and decided I was going to look at her car. She had no handicap plates and was not displaying a placard.

The fine in our town for parking in a handicap space without proper placards or plates:

Still pissed at her I call the Police and told them there was someone parked illegally in a handicap space.

The officer quickly responded and I told him the story.

"Now" I told him, "had she pulled a disabled person out of the car I may have been more forgiving but she was just plain rude." The officer agreed with me. I left and took the kids into the market and when I came out this was her car and this is what happened:

Davine Intervention? Karma? Revenge? Whatever you want to call it, I can guarantee she was not prepared to spend over $400 to go to the flea market today. Wow she got some really expensive fruits! I hope they are good!

45 hours

It is hard to believe that in the past almost 6 months we have gone from this:

To this:

From 25 ounces to 8 and a half pounds!

5 months and 5 days ago I was here:

Watching them wisk my daughter off for Heart Surgery.

Today I am holding her closer knowing that in 45 hours I will once again watch my daughter roll thru the doors marked Surgery and I will take a long deep breath as the doors shut behind her knowing I will not breathe again till I am by her side in recovery.

I think I am more scared about this smaller surgery than I was about her heart surgery. Maybe it's because I cannot picture my life without this little wonder. Because since I have been with her all this time I know what I would be missing if she was not here.

I have been so torn about this surgery. I want to do what is best for her and after much deliberation, I think this is it. I can only say I think because I do have some reservations though in the end the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

45 hours.

45 more hours to look at her perfect little body.

45 hours more to kiss her little face.

45 hours more before she is changed forever.

45 hours more to hold her close, snuggle her body and breathe in her scent before handing her over to strangers.

45 hours.

So far yet so close. So for the next 45 hours I am going to love on my daughter, not think of the what ifs, cherish every coo and movement, every smile and even her cry.

45 hours more that I am going to pray to God to keep her safe and pray to him for the peace that I am making the right choice for her.