Day 31 of 31 for 21 - Oh yea I did!

Day 30 of 31 for 21 - Am I the only adult?

I swear sometime I think I am the only adult in this house! Every night we turn the tv off at 8:30 so the kids have to read for their 30 mins which is part of their homework. For the past week I have been making the tv go off at 8 because Allyson cannot seem to get with the program and has not been doing her reading or her reading log. Well tonight Tom decided to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show on tv. Well 1) that show is not appropriate for all the kids to watch and 2) he decided it was more important to watch that then to make sure the kids had their reading time. I swear sometime he is worse than the kids! So once again the teacher will call me to let me know how I fucked up by not making sure Allyson did her work because ONCE again Allyson did not do her homework this week. As though I really have control over that. I make her sit and she does NOTHING. I am NOT going to do her homework for her. I do not even know why I try. If she wants to fail then by all means fail but in the end it will not be my fault! I refuse to allow her failure and lack of trying to be my failure cause you know when it comes down to it the other 3 kids with homework are A students so if she lacks the effort then it is on her because I must be doing something right if MY 3 students are all A students don't you think?

Back to being the only adult, since when is Family Guy and American Dad ect acceptable shows for 5-10 year olds to watch?? UUUGGGHHHH! I wanna scream!

Day 29 of 31 for 21 - What a day..

Well I spent the day finding a new dr. I have an appt tomorrow with him. I hope i like him and the good news is that he delivers all his patients. A rare thing these days. While trying to clean up Caden came running down the hall and slipped onto his back in a puddle of water. I had ro search to find the source of the 1/2" pool of water flooding my hallway. After wading thru the water I discovered it was my washing machine so now when Tom gets home we have to pull out the washer and dryer and figure out what on the washer broke. On the other hand 7 beach towwels later my hall floor is as clean as the day we moved in! Having the washer flood is one way to get your hall cleaned but I do not suggest it. Now I have to call the insurance as I am sure the flood was not good on the pergo!

Ok now for the flashback portion of our blog, I found these pics while cleaning the other night..
Me and My cousin Casey

ME when I was a baby and one of me and my mom.

Day 28 of 31 for 21 - I must have 15 different diseases!

WARNING do not research what ifs on the Internet. I have found out that there is such a thing as too much information! According to the Internet I have any Number of things wrong with me! LOL. If you are tired you may have depression, or Leukemia or some other god awful disease! You ever watched those commercials that start off like, Are you Tired? Do you have a headache? Do your feet hurt? They you too may have (insert disease here). Ask your Dr if you have ever felt nauseated, sleep deprived or restless, you may be suffering from (insert other disease here.) The Internet I think has too much information at times. I went looking up Fetal arrhythmia. Well that was NOT a good thing since it basically took me from nothing wrong, goes away to certian death of neonate. Ok so I closed the computer and I think I will just wait to see what the dr says. Oh speaking of drs my U/s and Echo of 10's heart has been changed from the 10th to the 7th.. As for now I think I will stop looking up the what ifs and be happy she is ok right now..
Ok so what do any of you think of the names, Solange?(means Angel of the sun) or Lyric?

Day 27 or 31 for 21 - Nighttime fun

Ok now I KNOW that I am married to a dork and he is rubbing off on my kid..






Yes that is a Star Wars Light saber with a fly swatter rubberbanded to the end of it!

Day 26 of 31 for 21 - 10's room

Ok here is what I was doing... Yes I painted it all, it is all paint an no stencils all me.

Day 25 of 31 for 21 - Meet the family

Me and Corbin


Tom with Caden and Corbin

Meghan

Brianna

Cheryl, Allyson, MacKenzie and Kassi

Riley and Corbin as Gabriella and Corbin Blue from HSM

Kassiah as Hannah Montanna

Caden as Spiderman

Corbin - Future Wildcat!

And we can't forget sweet angel #10

Day 24 of 31 for 21 - Prayers Needed for #10

Had a dr appt today and have my big u/s on Nov 10. The Peri Dr is going to do an echo on little girl. The OB had read the report from the Peri's last u/s when The peri told me she wanted to do an echo, I did not think much about it. The OBGYN said she read her report but did not tell me what was in it.. I have noticed here at home that her heart rate drops and goes very slow at times but after a min or so it come back up. I did not tell the dr about this because I thought maybe it was just me and she was moving away from the doppler. Well today when the dr was listening baby was normal then did her drop and I could see the dr looking at the machine. I told her "it's not just me is it?" she said "what" I said "her heart rate drops and goes really slow" She said that yes it is very slow. I told her to wait a min or so and it would come back up. So she did and the HR returned to normal.

The OBGYN says that she thinks baby girl may have a blockage in her heart. She said there is nothing that they can do till she is born except monitor her very closely and take her at any sign of distress. The good news is that she is the right size so the blood is circulating where it needs to go so she is ok in there. The problems most likely will be after she is born.

My hubby thinks maybe baby girl may also have down syndrome but I am not sure since our NT screen came back fine but we did not do the 16 week AFP screen..

Sorry it is so long but if you could say a little prayer for her and her heart I would really appriciate it.. I will know more after Nov 10th.

day 23 of 31 for 21 - My creative side...

Ok here is what I did. I bought this bassinet for $20 at the flea market:

Then I added a bit of my own touch to it...

Day 22 of 31 for 21 - Yep I missed the post..

Well I have to say I missed posting last night. First off I usually blog at night when the kids are all in bed. It is the only time there is peace in the house. Well not tonight. I missed blogging because of this:





It seems that while Tom and I were cooking dinner Riley was swinging on the swing and Kassi ran in front of her and she swang into her and bounced her into the backyard fence. This was the resulting injury. After visiting the awesome firefighters at Station 45 We went to the ER. An hour later we were on our way home with an RX of Tylenol..

Day 21 of 31 for 21 - A Beautiful Tribute and Uproar!

There is the amazing woman on a website I frequent, who lost her daughter at 18 months to SIDS She has an amazingly peaceful photo of her angel in her siggy. Apparently some people who really have no reason to "Lurk" are causing an uproar. what right do they have to say she cannot have any picture she wants up? It is their choice to look at it or skip over it. If you do not like it then skip her posts or better yet do not lurk where you do not belong! I feel very strongly because these ladies have been there for me when noone else has and I know I can go to them for support ANYTIME.

Well I am posting her Siggy on my blog in protest and support of Amber. Please if you support Amber's right to honor her angel in her Siggy leave a comment....

Day 20 of 31 for 21 - Milestone Monday

Today is called Milestone Monday because after 8 months, My baby boy has learned to sit up! I was giving him a shower, holding him up and Cheryl walked in and without thinking I turned to her. Cheryl look at me and said "Mom I thought he did not know how to sit up." I turned and he was sitting there. He sat through the whole shower. I am so proud. He is getting so big!

Day 19 of 31 for 21 - School tomorow and More Random Ramblings

The title says it all. I am so happy there is school tomorrow. After the day I have had I cannot wait to get up in the morning and kick 5 off to school. I had a talk with my Best friend last night. I am glad to know I am not the only one not connecting to the being living inside of them. She said that now that Meg's shower is done I can concentrate on my own baby. Honestly by this point with all my other kids, most of their things were bought and put away and their "rooms" were ready and they had names. I felt them moving and I had a connection to them. I don't feel a connection to this little girl. I don't know why. I don't feel her moving. I am not sure if it because of the c-section I had with Corbin 8 months ago or just because she is not that strong yet. Does the lack of connection with her make me a bad mom? Is it because of everything that has changed in the past month and a half, Caden's Diagnosis, the Army, Meg, life? Sometimes I feel like I am treading water and I am losing the battle. Some days I wanna fight for my life to keep my head above the water and other days I just wish I could stop and let the water overtake me.

More news on the homefront, Tom had bloodwork done and his LDL's are through the roof. Seems anything over 120 is alarming and his were 221. But he finally is going to put his health in front of his job. He also told me he is getting a referral to have a psych eval done. He has not been the same since he came back from Iraq. He is a much angrier person now, little things set him off, normal things the kids do that shouldn't make him angry do. He also told me he has been feeling depressed lately. Why didn't I see that??? Am I so wraped up in my own feelings and crap that I could not see that he needed more too??? I never thought about how Caden's diagnosis affected him. He has been strong for us and I never thought to ask him how he was feeling or what he was thinking. How could I be so selfish?? I have not talked to him about any of his feelings or thoughts since he came back from Iraq. i have no clue what he saw there or anything that happened while he was gone. I assume that because he doesn't talk about anything bad that everything was fine. I know I am wrong. But who am I to tell him he has to talk about it and what could I say that would make anything better??

I am so lost mentally and spiritually and I do not know what to do to make everything better. I am finding myself getting mad at Tom for things beyond his control. We are often madder at each other lately than we normally are. I do not even want to think about God and what "his" plans are for my life because I have no trust or faith in him because my life is so fucked up right now. I just want my life back. Kids who semi-listen, a husband who is not so angry and always tells me how much he loves me, like he used to, and some feeling of security. I feel like I am holding the the final strand at the end of my rope. Then I wonder, Is all this because I am being punished for questioning God and for not having faith and trust in him?

Day 18 of 31 for 21 - Meghan

Today was Meghan's baby shower. I must admit that I have some of the most awesome friends, even though they do not know my daughter they came and made her baby shower a HUGE success. Thanks so much ladies! Meghan was overwhelmed at all the gifts everyone got her. Lily is one lucky baby. We came home and lounged around all afternoon and had Zanetta take our picture. The above picture is me at 18 weeks and her at 23 weeks. I wish she lived down here it would be so much fun to do all of this together. Tom missed a great shower and I am glad I was able to do this for Meg..

Day 17 of 31 for 21 - Hmmmm

Really this writing everyday for 31 days is hard. My life is not really that interesting. Well I finished the house today and then went to Stockton to finish up some stuff for the baby shower. I came home and ordered the cakes, they are sooo cute and I hope they are good too. Tomorrow is the day and boy am I exhausted! Corbin knows something is up too and was expressing his displeasure that the bald guy was not home to backpack him around. I still have not decided on games for the shower tomorrow.. I know I will forget something (let's just hope it is not one of the kids!)I need to make a list so I do not forget anything as it is a pain in the ass to load up all the kids to run back to get something stupid...
Well I am off to my empty bed. Hopefully in a day or 2 I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief when Tom tells me he is not going to Kosovo. Right now he is at SRP hoping he does not have to go. Right now is just not the right time for our family. Things are just settling down from the last deployment and the kids, especially Caden and Kassi are so emotionally vulnerable right now. I know I could make it but I am afraid the kids wouldn't. OK well I have to go find some games online and get me list together... Hopefully I will have pictures tomorrow to show everyone..

Day 16 of 31 for 21 - Lot's to do..

I have soooooo much to do tomorrow to get ready for Meghan's baby shower. I have some of the greatest friends who are coming to help make sure it is a success. Thanks everyone. Well I have alot to do and the kids get out early tomorrow and Meg will be here in the afternoon and Tom is leaving in the morning. Aghhhh. Is it Monday yet??!! LOL Ok Well I know today is short but I have sooo much to do......

Day 15 of 31 for 21 - Remembering Lost Angels

in memory of our lost angels, I too am borrowing the idea from someone else's blog:
If you have lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other type of infant loss, I would like to be able to pray for you today. Please feel free to leave a comment on this post with your name (if you are comfortable), the nature of your loss(es), your child's/children's names, and as much information as you are comfortable sharing.

Here is to our 3 Angels Hayden, Liam and Madison born into Jesus' arms 7/29/07.

Day 14 of 31 for 21 - Tomorrow

http://www.october15th.com/

Wave of light on October 15

Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7pm in ALL time zones, ALL over the world.

If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

This candle burns in loving memories of our babies.


Enough said.

Day 13 of 31 for 21 - Grocery shopping

Today was not much fun. Tom and I took the 3 little ones shopping for groceries. I am still trying to get everything ready for Meghan's baby shower on Sat. I have no clue what else to do. What games should we play? Anyone have any suggestions?? Anyone?? ok so since I have nothing interesting to talk about I am going to post pictures...


There was a full moon out this day...

Day 12 of 31 for 21 - Home.. for now.

Tom got home early this morning like 12:02 AM
The kids discovered he was home at like 7 am.

Yes he is in there and so is Ry, Sy, Caden and Corbin
When you want something done...
I guess you need to do it yourself. Today Tom and I got the side gate done. It has only needed to be done for the past 8 months or more. Well actually I went to Lowes and bought everything then I came home and tore down the entire old gate leaving the back open. Then he had no choice but to come and help me put the new gate up! I am so proud of our gate we even redid the neighbors gate. It looks sooooo good! Tom is off tomorrow and I have him for one more day so I plan on having him move the motorcycles so we can put up the new garage door opener.

Oh and just because He is too damn cute not to here is my baby boy:



OH and here is our new baby girl (baking)16 weeks along

Day 11 of 31 for 21 - Happy Anniversary to me!

Well we made it through another year. I laugh because Tom and I have been married 5 years today and we are expecting baby 5 in March. I got a great surprise when I got home last night. Ladonna brought us dinner. I put it in the fridge and it was sooo nice not to have to cook dinner tonight. The kids loved it too which is always a bonus! Thank you Ladonna!

Every time I am pregnant I rearrange rooms or paint a room or some how re-decorate. Well today was that day. I moved kids rooms around. I moved Kassi into the boys room, Ry into the big room and ally and bri into the small room. Now I just have to clean the rooms. I moved the dressers and the beds and had the kids move their bedding.

Tomorrow I am off to Lowes to get some fencing material and a few other odds and ends. Hey anyone know how to put up a new garage door opener? Mine has been sitting in the box in the garage for the past year and a half and I have given up that my husband will ever put it up for me.

Tom is supposed to be home late tonight but he leaves again Tuesday morning and then comes back late Thursday only to leave again Friday morning for another week. Oh well. Speaking of oh well, I am going to head to bed as I have been dizzy and lightheaded for the past few hours. The joys of another person leaching off you!! LOL

Day 10 of 31 for 21 - So Proud

I am so proud! I got the entire living room done and the gate put up. Corbin can now cruise the living room danger free. Cj and Mac Went off for the weekend and I took the other kids to the school Carnival at Riley's school. It was fun. After, we went shopping for the new baby at the thrift store. If Tom does deploy I know I will save alot of money since I hate having to take all the kids to the store with me. It is more hassle than it is worth. But I did get some nice things for the baby whom we still can't name....
I stumbled across my cousins blog tonight. She is still mad at me because I had the gall to tell her to grow up. I mean if someone who loves you cannot tell you something without you disowning them then what good is family really? Sometimes people are so wrapped up in something going on in their lives that they forget or do not see how they are affecting some of the people around them. I would rather someone I love tell me I am being a Bitch than a stranger. I mean then it was coming from someone who loved me so I would know that it was being said out of concern for me. Well I guess someday she will get over it.. Or then again, Maybe not... I grew up Every Summer with her and she has never even asked me how Corbin is, she has never even cared enough to even welcome him to the family..

Day 9 of 31 for 21 - Stress

I slept alone for the first time in a long time last night.

Today was a busy day. Got the kids up and 5 off to school and the other 3 ready for church. We went and Boo'd the kids classrooms at 2 different schools and drove through the drive thru at McDonald's to grab something for the little ones to eat. Caden proceeded to have a meltdown because there was no superman toy in his kids meal. Apparently Galt Mc D's has not gotten the new toys yet and this sent Caden into Meltdown central. Finally calmed him down and got to church. The ladies at MOMs are incredible.
The topic today was depression. I try to do everything. I do not like to show weakness. But everything is piling up on me right now and I need to find a way to get out from under the pile so I can breathe. I know I am told to take my worries to God and he will help but I am still finding it hard to totally trust in and rely on him right now. But then I wonder if I do not do it soon will I just get buried deeper?

I need to concentrate on fixing one thing at a time. I am going to start with the house. This is a major stresser in my life right now. I feel like I just cannot get ahead of the house. I know I need to make the kids do some picking up around here but I am just not up for the fight lately. I went to babies r us tonight to get a gate and I am going to start with the living room tomorrow. Make it safe for Corbin to crawl around in. I think that will help then I am going to work on one or two rooms a day and organize everything. Anyone wanna help?? LOL..

After that I'm not sure what the next task is. I guess I will just take it one day at a time and learn to trust in God and what he has planned for me. It will not be easy but I am going to try. I am also going to be a little easier on myself. I need to realize I am NOT Supermom and I cannot do everything. I am 31, pregnant and taking care of 8 children. If I get through the day with the house still standing and the kids all healthy and happy I should take pride in that and be proud that we all made it through another day.

I think one thing this blog is teaching me is that I need to take a few minutes each day for myself. I think If I take the time I will find myself and figure out who I am am who I am supposed to be and how to better myself. Well if you have made it through my Random Ramblings thanks. Until tomorrow....

Day 8 of 31 for 21 - You've been Boo'd

NOT Again!

Some days I hate the Army. Tom hit me with the news that the unit informed him he is on standby to deploy with the unit AGAIN! They are set to deploy in November. Another Year, well 14 months. I am not sure why all of this stuff is going on and I am trying to stay positive but we just settled all the crap from the last deployment. This means that The baby will be over a year old before she meets her daddy. It also means I have to do this alone, Again. I mean I know what to expect from a deployment this time so I am not going in blind though I am not sure if knowing makes it any easier. I Have my Aunt and Uncle, My mom plans on moving across the country and I do not deal well with Tom's mom. So it will be me my kids and the few friends I have which is more than I had last deployment. I think the worst part is the uncertainty, the not being able to prepare.

ON top of that he is gone till Monday at a class and then he comes back and has to be at SRP on the 17th for at least a week.

On a happier note we started something this evening that the kids and I had a blast doing.. Yes I taught my kids how to ding-dong ditch tonight and I must say my kids are GOOD! Well we did this thing my friend suggested and "boo'd" the neighbors. So while we DID ring the doorbell and run, when they opened their door they found a gift basket and a poem. So it was a good kind of ditch. I hope the people follow the direction on the poem. It would really be fun to see all the boos on everyone front door..

Well I am off to bed. Goodnight everyone. Thank you for taking time from your days to read about mine!

Day 7 of 31 for 21 - "K"

"K"

There is this woman I "know", (I say "know" because I have never met her in person only online) Anyhow, This Woman I will simply call "K" has been through so much in the past few years. From miscarriages and the Stillbirth of her Beautiful Daughter and now once again the loss of Twins at 10 weeks gestation. This woman Simply put AMAZES me. Despite all that she has gone through she still has this remarkably amazing faith. Personally I would have lost faith by now and I know that because of things that have gone on lately I have questioned my faith, Questioned God. I have wavered yet through it all she has remained strong where I personally would have given up. Not that she is not sad or even angry but she manages to have this ability that even while in her own mourning, she lifts others up. She Reminds others of her faith and that they too are not alone. Why can we not all have faith in God like K? How can someone who has endured so much NOT question God or be angry at him? I have taken in so much following K's story and have learned what true faith really is.

I recently posted elsewhere my frustration and questions:
"I am trying to rationalize in my mind why innocent little lives have to suffer while The scum of the earth are allowed to survive. Why people who don't want or deserve children get pregnant and others try for years, spending countless money, time and feelings trying are not able. Is there a rational reasoning for this? Why are murders allowed to live yet a baby dies. Why is a 12 year old allowed to have a baby when a 35 year old who wants and can provide for a baby cannot even get pregnant?

I did a stupid thing this morning trying to figure out all the questions I have had for the past few weeks. I went on you tube and watched memorial videos parents made. So instead of finding answers, I only have more questions. I know being Christian I am supposed to believe God has a greater plan. But what greater plan could he have by taking so many innocent children?

I know I am lucky. I have given birth to 6 of the most precious angels in the world. And I have been blessed to help raise 3 more that while not born from my body, were born in my heart. And I glimpsed 3 angels who have gone to heaven. I am trying to stay faithful and trust in God but I wonder when my luck might run out... I guess I will have to wonder all the whys of the world until I am able to ask him for myself.
To anyone who has lost a child or pregnancy I admire your strength to go on day after day not giving up. For those fortunate enough not to have experienced either I say maybe things like this happen so we remember not to take for granted every breath our little ones take. I mean in the grand scheme of the world is it really going to matter that Caden made a mess of the coco puffs and milk in the kitchen or Kassiah crashed the computer or Riley didn't clean her room or her toys today? I guess what I am learning from all of this is the little things really do not matter. Holding my newborn every time he crys is not spoiling him it is cherishing every moment we are bless to have him here."


I hope she does not mind and if K reads this and wants me to remove her reply I will;

Here is what she told me:

"I don't know if I'll be able to put it all into words very well but I wanted to answer from what I've learned and what I believe. I agree with Heather that God doesn't cause things like this to happen. He does allow them though. I don't understand His plan but for some reason He chose to allow sin to enter the world and for it to not be perfect anymore. I think it is partly to bring us to Him. I've been reading a really good book that I would recommend on this subject. It's Affliction by Edith Schaffer. One thing that has stood out to me lately is the story of Job. Satan thought that if he caused horrible things to happen to Job that Job would stop worshipping God. God knew that he wouldn't and so let Satan do whatever he wanted to Job to prove that Job would still love God no matter what. There is a big war going on between Satan and God. God will win in the end but Satan thinks he can win. He enjoys getting people to turn away from God. He is the one who brought suffering into this world and that includes me losing my babies. Only, he doesn't win. My babies are safe in heaven right now out of his reach and God has given me the strength to fight back. I refuse to allow this situation to turn me away from loving God. So God and I have the victory in this situation. It really helps me a lot when I think about my loss in these terms. That's not to say that I don't miss my babies horribly and wish that they were still here with me. At one point I thought that maybe going through things like this was a lesson meant to make me into the person God wanted me to be. My pastor said something to me a few weeks ago that really stood out. He said that J's death is not an object lesson. God values life and J is a person. He would not take her life just to "teach" me something. Yes, I will learn things through this but that was not the reason it happened."

Someday I aspire to have faith like K. Until then I will continue to draw strength from her faith. K you are amazing and I know God has Great plans for you and your family and I truly do have faith that someday in his time God Will give you your take home baby.

Day 6 of 31 for 21 - It's A...

Had another Ultrasound today and it's a....

Boy! NO wait, It's a Girl! Oh let's look again.....Girl ok one more time to be sure... Yep Girl! Ok I have heard of 2 different U/s telling 2 different Genders but not 2 diff gender PICS in the SAME U/S!!!! After looking for 45 min we are sure now that the original u/s at 12 w saying she was a girl was right. But I still laugh. I will post both pics so you can see. Apparently the "boy parts" in the one pic was her Cord!! HAHA. So word to the Wise.. LOOK close, more than once and from more than one angle!!