Sunday, October 19, 2008

Day 19 of 31 for 21 - School tomorow and More Random Ramblings

The title says it all. I am so happy there is school tomorrow. After the day I have had I cannot wait to get up in the morning and kick 5 off to school. I had a talk with my Best friend last night. I am glad to know I am not the only one not connecting to the being living inside of them. She said that now that Meg's shower is done I can concentrate on my own baby. Honestly by this point with all my other kids, most of their things were bought and put away and their "rooms" were ready and they had names. I felt them moving and I had a connection to them. I don't feel a connection to this little girl. I don't know why. I don't feel her moving. I am not sure if it because of the c-section I had with Corbin 8 months ago or just because she is not that strong yet. Does the lack of connection with her make me a bad mom? Is it because of everything that has changed in the past month and a half, Caden's Diagnosis, the Army, Meg, life? Sometimes I feel like I am treading water and I am losing the battle. Some days I wanna fight for my life to keep my head above the water and other days I just wish I could stop and let the water overtake me.

More news on the homefront, Tom had bloodwork done and his LDL's are through the roof. Seems anything over 120 is alarming and his were 221. But he finally is going to put his health in front of his job. He also told me he is getting a referral to have a psych eval done. He has not been the same since he came back from Iraq. He is a much angrier person now, little things set him off, normal things the kids do that shouldn't make him angry do. He also told me he has been feeling depressed lately. Why didn't I see that??? Am I so wraped up in my own feelings and crap that I could not see that he needed more too??? I never thought about how Caden's diagnosis affected him. He has been strong for us and I never thought to ask him how he was feeling or what he was thinking. How could I be so selfish?? I have not talked to him about any of his feelings or thoughts since he came back from Iraq. i have no clue what he saw there or anything that happened while he was gone. I assume that because he doesn't talk about anything bad that everything was fine. I know I am wrong. But who am I to tell him he has to talk about it and what could I say that would make anything better??

I am so lost mentally and spiritually and I do not know what to do to make everything better. I am finding myself getting mad at Tom for things beyond his control. We are often madder at each other lately than we normally are. I do not even want to think about God and what "his" plans are for my life because I have no trust or faith in him because my life is so fucked up right now. I just want my life back. Kids who semi-listen, a husband who is not so angry and always tells me how much he loves me, like he used to, and some feeling of security. I feel like I am holding the the final strand at the end of my rope. Then I wonder, Is all this because I am being punished for questioning God and for not having faith and trust in him?


gr8fulmom22 said...

Oh, my! Honestly, dear, you both should go to counseling together. It would be helpful for you to see someone both together and separately. It's what you need to do to strengthen your marriage!

gr8fulmom22 said...

Your blog is a cry for help! I know it must be overwhelming having 8 kids in the house and a husband that is away so often, but put the shoe on the other foot and think of what he's been through, too! A tour of Irag...stressful enough, for sure. Comes home to seven kids, has another one right away, and now another one is on its way! That's a lot of activity in the house, not to mention probably feeling a little neglected himself. It's important to have one on one time for the two of you to talk. Get someone to take the kids for the night and just get out together. He needs your undivided attention as much as your little ones! It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, in fact, the fact that he sees it in himself that he is reaching out is a big deal! Encourage him to seek therapy, but you need to go, too! You both have a lot on your plates! He can't be made to feel that he is last in line behind the kids and just the "fix-it" guy! Ship the majority of the kids off to their respective other parent or relatives more often so you can recoup some quiet time in the house. Might seem impossible, but you've got to reach out! None of us are designed to do it all alone. Just trying to help and remind you that God is not a punishing God, at all. You do need to trust and it's always okay to ask for a helping hand. Sorry I had to pop in again, but I couldn't just leave you out there sounding so hopeless. If there is one thing I've learned in life it's that it's okay to admit your faults and weaknesses...and better yet, people understand and will step up to help if you are sincere!