Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Day 7 of 31 for 21 - "K"


There is this woman I "know", (I say "know" because I have never met her in person only online) Anyhow, This Woman I will simply call "K" has been through so much in the past few years. From miscarriages and the Stillbirth of her Beautiful Daughter and now once again the loss of Twins at 10 weeks gestation. This woman Simply put AMAZES me. Despite all that she has gone through she still has this remarkably amazing faith. Personally I would have lost faith by now and I know that because of things that have gone on lately I have questioned my faith, Questioned God. I have wavered yet through it all she has remained strong where I personally would have given up. Not that she is not sad or even angry but she manages to have this ability that even while in her own mourning, she lifts others up. She Reminds others of her faith and that they too are not alone. Why can we not all have faith in God like K? How can someone who has endured so much NOT question God or be angry at him? I have taken in so much following K's story and have learned what true faith really is.

I recently posted elsewhere my frustration and questions:
"I am trying to rationalize in my mind why innocent little lives have to suffer while The scum of the earth are allowed to survive. Why people who don't want or deserve children get pregnant and others try for years, spending countless money, time and feelings trying are not able. Is there a rational reasoning for this? Why are murders allowed to live yet a baby dies. Why is a 12 year old allowed to have a baby when a 35 year old who wants and can provide for a baby cannot even get pregnant?

I did a stupid thing this morning trying to figure out all the questions I have had for the past few weeks. I went on you tube and watched memorial videos parents made. So instead of finding answers, I only have more questions. I know being Christian I am supposed to believe God has a greater plan. But what greater plan could he have by taking so many innocent children?

I know I am lucky. I have given birth to 6 of the most precious angels in the world. And I have been blessed to help raise 3 more that while not born from my body, were born in my heart. And I glimpsed 3 angels who have gone to heaven. I am trying to stay faithful and trust in God but I wonder when my luck might run out... I guess I will have to wonder all the whys of the world until I am able to ask him for myself.
To anyone who has lost a child or pregnancy I admire your strength to go on day after day not giving up. For those fortunate enough not to have experienced either I say maybe things like this happen so we remember not to take for granted every breath our little ones take. I mean in the grand scheme of the world is it really going to matter that Caden made a mess of the coco puffs and milk in the kitchen or Kassiah crashed the computer or Riley didn't clean her room or her toys today? I guess what I am learning from all of this is the little things really do not matter. Holding my newborn every time he crys is not spoiling him it is cherishing every moment we are bless to have him here."

I hope she does not mind and if K reads this and wants me to remove her reply I will;

Here is what she told me:

"I don't know if I'll be able to put it all into words very well but I wanted to answer from what I've learned and what I believe. I agree with Heather that God doesn't cause things like this to happen. He does allow them though. I don't understand His plan but for some reason He chose to allow sin to enter the world and for it to not be perfect anymore. I think it is partly to bring us to Him. I've been reading a really good book that I would recommend on this subject. It's Affliction by Edith Schaffer. One thing that has stood out to me lately is the story of Job. Satan thought that if he caused horrible things to happen to Job that Job would stop worshipping God. God knew that he wouldn't and so let Satan do whatever he wanted to Job to prove that Job would still love God no matter what. There is a big war going on between Satan and God. God will win in the end but Satan thinks he can win. He enjoys getting people to turn away from God. He is the one who brought suffering into this world and that includes me losing my babies. Only, he doesn't win. My babies are safe in heaven right now out of his reach and God has given me the strength to fight back. I refuse to allow this situation to turn me away from loving God. So God and I have the victory in this situation. It really helps me a lot when I think about my loss in these terms. That's not to say that I don't miss my babies horribly and wish that they were still here with me. At one point I thought that maybe going through things like this was a lesson meant to make me into the person God wanted me to be. My pastor said something to me a few weeks ago that really stood out. He said that J's death is not an object lesson. God values life and J is a person. He would not take her life just to "teach" me something. Yes, I will learn things through this but that was not the reason it happened."

Someday I aspire to have faith like K. Until then I will continue to draw strength from her faith. K you are amazing and I know God has Great plans for you and your family and I truly do have faith that someday in his time God Will give you your take home baby.

1 comment:

gr8fulmom22 said...

I've been reading your blog off and on and this one begged for me to comment. What is special about "K" (and I don't even know her) is that she has learned not to question God and to accept what she is given without loss of faith. That is quite a task and a true test of faith and devotion. It takes an unwaivering faith in God to relinquish all doubt and despair to Him. One must admire her devotion and committment based purely on knowing that there are better things to come. If we aspire to be this better person, then we, too, must not wallow in self-doubt or self-pity and trust that we are never given more than we can handle. That is the true test of faith. Hard to live by? Definitely! Impossible? Not at all. As my grandma used to say..."Count your blessings, not your burdens"